A University of Florida Woman Wants To Marry TETRIS After Relationship With A Calculator Doesn't Work Out

What the hell has this world come to? A 20-year old woman claims that she is dating the game TETRIS and is in love with it. Fractal Tetris Hurcan surrounds herself with Tetris-shaped objects in her room at home and now plans to MARRY the game when she graduates from the University of Florida in two years. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

She said she spends up to 12 hours a day playing it on websites, her phone and her Gameboy. She claims she sleeps with and enjoys a physical relationship (???) with the Tetris-themed objects including hard drives and cushions.

Heard this gem of a story on the one and only Jay and Dan Podcast, and you can’t understand the breadth of this women’s psychosis until you hear her speak about her… fiancé?

I mean… this is really fucked up. I don’t even know where to start. How much lack of human interaction do you need to start dating Tetris? This isn’t Fractal’s first rodeo, she’s also dated a calculator and Gameboy (those poor bastards didn’t hold a flame to Tetris).

If you’re her parents, are you on board with your son in law being a video game? We’ve heard about people having sex with exhaust pipes, toilet scrubber, pumpkins, strawberry, back of a turkey (basically any of Chaps’ blogs), but taking it as far as getting married? What benefit do you get from marrying Tetris? I did a deep-dive online to see if you can legally marry an inanimate object (Barstool is now conducting a full search on me) and looks like it is technically illegal because something like a car, or an apple can’t give informed consent on getting married (note: There is a whole WILD world of people trying to marry stuff out there, like a woman trying to put a ring on the Statue of Liberty (guess she’s gay), and a teenager marrying a sailor moon doll).

Regardless, apparently having a physical or emotional relationship like this is called “objectum sexual” and it’s not as uncommon as you think. A woman named Erika Eiffel claims to have married the Eiffel Tower, and another woman married the Berlin Wall. See pretty normal stuff. I’m just worried what happens to Tetris once Fractal meets a vibrator.