Welcome To "How To Open A Wine Bottle Without A Corkscrew 101", Maybe

As the story goes, I was desperately searching for a corkscrew to open my bottle(s) of red required to get through discussing the love life on Swipe Drunk Love. Naturally, I whip off one of my Applebee’s clogs to go to town on a wall and people were looking at me like I have 8 heads. Nobody believed you can open a bottle with your shoe. Listen, you don’t become a functioning alcoholic to this extent without knowing a few trade secrets. I’ve danced this dance before but thanks to the power of Devnest the footage has evaporated from existence. So I took it to the streets to prove to these idiots it could be done.

And, like most other efforts in my life, we fail drastically. At least those ravishing foreign girls(?) said we looked good…for a homeless person. Can’t win ‘em all. Or any.