MMBM: David Akers "Roast" Of Cowboys Fans And Roger Goodell was wildly Inappropriate And Typical Of A wide-Left Coastal Elite Bashing Conservatives
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
?After what was by all intensive purposes a slammer of a home run for the NFL at this weeks draft youd think there would be more postive news written about Roger Goodell but unfortunateley people are focussing on everything else accpet for the tremendous ratings and all the good news for the league. It all started on Friday night when former player* (*kicker) David Green Akers came out and ruined the tone of the discourse of the night by insluting all the fans in attendence in a widly inapporprate attack on common decency.
David Akers came out and mocked the fans who would literaly pay his salary if he was good enough to still be in the NFL. A classic case of a coastal elite making fun of “flyover country” in a tone deaf attack on one of the leagues more traditonal conservative fanbases maybe if he had been less of a far-leftwackjob with his kicks he would of still been in the league. Just because most Dallas fans have black eyes from trying to look for there on dick to hard in a microscope dosent give Akers the license to make jokes about there appearence or intelligence. This type of inflammtory attack on paying customers is exactly why the NFL ratings are so down for the past couple years but they just dont seem to get it.
Not only did this attack just look bad from a optics standpoint, it also shoed exactley ho quickly poisoned discourse can spread. Akers set the tone, and the fans saw Goodell laughing and turned on him faster then a David Akers extra point attempt.
Roger pulled out all the stops over the week bringing out the troops, sick children, and nice anmals to make the pics but none of that as good enough for many of the fans and players who showed up, mocked, and ridiculed our commissoner because of his appearance and probably the little bit of weight that hes gained that he is self conscious of.
As Goodell went up to the stage flanked by Cowboys legends Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman, a chorus of boos hit him as fans attacked his lying face and they gave little thumbs don, likely symbolizing his tiny penis. Is that how we treat our spokespeople in this day in age? How about a little decorum where we dont have to attack our leadership just because they lie and impede investgations???
Though Goodell is in a postion of power its not our job as the media to queston and analyze every small thing he does wrong- thats for you all to figure out. Our job is to repeat his talking points to you wether in regards to ho many footballs are deflated, what did and didnt transpire inside a elevator, or how football is safer then ever thanks to the newfound heads up technique thats all the rage amongst the kids these days.
Instead we were treated to many fans and TV personalties laughing at Goodell as he stood in front of the many boos taunting his unkempt hair and pudgy little belly, and overall skin appearence that someone had pumped a half inch of water under his taut skin, bloating him then leaving him out in the sun for a week. Its beneath the public discourse to insult him like this. Especally when you consider there were legends in attendence watching like John Elway, Mike Mayock, and Matt Millen who should be never subject to those type of obsenities from there own fans.
I dont care that Goodells job is essentally to lie to the press as a front for his billonare bosses, he deserves our repsect for doing his job just like he repsects journalists for doing our jobs even though he hasnt accepted a interview with any of us in years, had four of us thrown in prison, and would probaly have me killed if given the opportunty. I guess that just makes me old fashion.
ROAD GRADER OF THE WEEK: This Futbol Guy
Brian Kelly took one look at this guy and offered him a immedate internship
Ten Things I Know I Know:
1. Bill Belchick is becoming almost to predictable. The Patriots selected Braxton Berrios out of the Unversity of Miami to plug the scraphole left behind in the wake of Danny Amendola. Everyone saw this move coming a mile away and theres egg on the face on all the other GMs who didnt try to draft Barrios and hold him hostage to extract a kings ransom from the Patriots. Berrios is a even smaller verson of Danny woodhead standing 5’8 and weighing 185 lbs which means theres less of him to tackle and even less of him to get in bad situations off the field. Belchick loves white guys because less surface area for them to contract STDs is my working theory.
2. Folks,Pete Carrolls film revew in preperaton for the first round of the draft must of been watching Loose Change repeatedly since he went out of his way to pick up a Penny.
3. The Cleveland Browns drafted Baker Mayfield out of Oklahoma and Cleveland sports hosts are losing there minds saying they will eat poop. There has been much consternaton on the part of Pardon My Take as to wether or not I hsould eat poop after the Caps beat the Pens since I said this was our Stanley Cup and at one point I had said I would eat poop if the Caps won the Stanley Cup. I think I’ve come to a good comprimise: I will eat horse poop if the Capitals beat the Penguins if any sports talk show host from Cleveland agrees to eat horse poop if I eat horse poop after the Caps beat the Penguins. Balls in your court Cleveland
4. Everyone in DC last night as debating wether or not a offensive burst crossed the line but heck folks enough about the white house correspondence dinner Im talking about the Capitals Penguins. Some of my more uncultured readers are likeley unaware of the parralax effect which dictates that hockey fans will go out there way to justfy calls that favor there team using weird logic and theories they would of otherwise never cared about. This is known amongt certain online communties as “measuring from the base” and in this instants every half inch really does count.
5. Peter King has a interesting nugget on how the Browns were able to keep there top draft pick a secret untill the day of the draft- Dorsey decided to not have the QB nameplate magnets going horizontally and instead lined them verticaly. This type of innovation is how you boild a sucessful franchise folks. Putting the names verticaly means you can only read them if your so tired from working so hard that you lay down its like a secret ay to unlock them. If your looking to keep your QB nameplate upright though I would of gone with Quenton Nelson.
King writes about 500 words about the vertical alignment of magnets to make sure there were no leaks which was a very fancy way of saying that John Dorsey just didnt tell Hue Jackson who he was picking untill Thursday morning.
6. Giants General Manager Dave “The Quote Machine” Gettleman said that Saquon Barkley was touched by God which is a common excuse around Penn State. So in other words Barkley was down by contact from the lord at the time of his birth. Christanity teaches us that every human is made in Gods own image,-in other words every human being is part of Gods tape which means that God himself would be a wildly inconsistent football player. You look at some of Gods best work like a Josh Allen or a Joe Montana and you thnk this kid coud really be something specal but then you come across the Cincinatti Bengals and you start to realize he takes his fair share of plays off. Also hes so use to being not only the alpha but also the omega- never had a coach.
7. Every year after the draft I like tot take a moment to remember a alltime take quake:
8. Intresting story about Ozzie Newsomes last draft and recalling back to his very first one with the Ravens in kind of a sliding doors moment:
Second pick: Ray Lewis, with the 26th overall selection that year. They were the bedrock players for Baltimore’s Super Bowl championship team four years later, and both made the Hall of Fame. Phillips ended up in prison after domestic assault and another assault charge, was accused of murdering his cellmate
Just quite a career imagine how things would of been different in Baltimore if the Ravens had drafted a murderer instead of Lewis thats something youd never recover from as a GM. Crisis averted
9. Is Lamar Jackson to fast for that Ravens offense? Historicaly Baltimore has built there teams out of boring defense and luck, and Jacksons skillset might rub some Ravens fans the wrong way. On the other hand Lamar defnitely fits the Ravens model of drafting players who cant play wide receiver.
10. Dallas sees your poop eating Clevelandand raises you:
Heck, If your dicks small enough Jerry Jones will come over and even preform the circumcision himself.