The Bull That Broke Martin Perez's Elbow Is No Longer With Us, Because He Killed It And Ate It

There are certain people who you will come across in life that you’re gonna want to make friends with, if only for the reason that you don’t want them to kill you when they inevitably snap. Martin Perez is one of those guys. To my dear friends in the Texas Rangers clubhouse, find out where Martin likes his coffee from and how he likes it, find out when his birthday is, find out when his mom’s birthday is, find out what type of music he likes, what TV shows he watches — anything like that, really. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Left-hander Martin Perez said on Sunday that the bull that charged him in December and caused him to break his right elbow was slaughtered shortly after the accident for beef. And, it seems, revenge.

“I killed him and I ate him,” Perez said. Perez allowed one run in five innings in his Cactus League debut Sunday and was asked afterward about the status of the bull. Perez said that he phoned his brother on his way back to Venezuela following his surgery in Texas, and the decision was made. “It was good meat,” Perez said. “No more bull.”

Folks, this is not a man that you want to fuck with. He will literally kill you and eat you. And to be completely honest with you, I love this move. Think about how low the crime rate would be in this country if the punishment for any wrongdoing was that you’d be killed and eaten by the person or persons that you’ve wronged. We’d be able to keep our doors unlocked at night and live in a world without fear. Is Martin Perez a visionary? I think yes.

PS — Clem said that if a Mets pitcher tried to kill and eat a bull that they’d be dead right now. Hard to disagree.