How Much Credit Does Patrik Laine's Beard Deserve For His Monster Year?
Patrik Laine is 19-years-old. When he was drafted in 2016, many people said that he was the next Alex Ovechkin in the NHL. The kid is a snipe god and after last night, he has put the puck in the back of the net 43 times so far this year. That’s tied with Ovi for the lead in the NHL. As a teenager, Laine has a pretty damn strong chance of winning the Rocket Richard trophy this year. He also has his Winnipeg Jets in 2nd place in the Central right now and pretty much a lock to make the playoffs. So yeah, it’s been a pretty decent sophomore campaign for the kid.
But how much of this success so far is due to the player himself and how much of it comes from some sort of greater power? Something bigger. Something which human beings cannot fully comprehend. How much of Patrik Laine’s success this year can be attributed to his billy goat beard?
In case you haven’t followed the career arch of Laine so far, here’s what the kid looked like when he was first drafted by Winnipeg.
Looks like a Bond villain for sure, but at least he’s a clean shaven villain. He was pretty much clean shaven for most of his rookie year and ended the season with 36 goals and 64 points. Not bad. Not bad at all for a rookie. But it’s not quite elite. So this year he decided to change some things up a bit. He still has the same rocket of a shot. Pretty sure he’s still using all the same gear he was using last year. But this year, he’s decided to put the razor away and the results are… well…. well if you have small children at home, just make sure they’re in the other room for this.
It looks like Patrik Laine took all the hair from Phil Kessel’s head and glued it to his chin. It looks like Patrik Laine would have been one of the suspects in True Detective Season 1. Patrik Laine looks like the product of some sort of bizarre Amish/Viking orgy fuck party. But obviously the beard is working for him.
Now the initial thought process here would be that this lies under the jurisdiction of “look good, feel good, play good”. But as anybody with functioning eyes can see, it doesn’t look good. So how does this beard work its magic then? I’m under the belief that the beard is so hideous that it’s actually distracting opposing defenders and goalies. Just look back at that goal from last night.
1.9 seconds left on the clock as the puck gets to Laine’s stick. All Lehtonen needs to do here is focus, make the save, and the Stars get out of the period still tied 0-0. But as soon as Lehtonen tracks the puck, his eyes are immediately focused on Laine’s billy goat beard. He has no idea where this puck is and has no idea where it’s going. All he knows is that he can’t look away from that giant patch of blonde pubes glued to Laine’s face. All Laine has to do is get this one on net and it’s going in. So Patrik Laine does what Patrik Laine is known to do, rips one in the back of the net and that was his 13th goal in just 9 games against the Stars. Obviously he’d end the night with 14 goals in 9 games against Dallas so yeah, you can just call Patrik Laine “Lee Harvey Oswald”.