The Book Of Woodhead: The Final Chapter

Todays MMBM will be flown at half-massed in honor of Danny Woodhead and his ten-year career coming to a close over the weekend. If youd like to read the other 4 chapters in the Book Of Woodhead let me google that for you. For more about his retirement listen to todays Pardon My Take, as Danny explains his reasons for retirement and apologizes for selfishly not letting me break the news so I could have lot’s of retweets online. 

The time has come to write the final chapter in the Book of Woodhead, as Amercas native son that we wish we had instead of that hippy asshole Kris Kristofferson snuck away from the game in the middle of the night, as is customary for anyone with a knowledge of the history of Balitmore football.

Danny retired as he played, with elusive quickness and deceptive speed- posting his farewell to the league he loved online at 1:30 am on a Friday night. Funny how Instagram seems like the name of a socal media app where Big Baby Davis shows up at your house in 30 minutes or less, but Danny used it to hang up the cleats not get laced. His retirement flew under-the-radar because low man allways wins so it probably dosent even bother him that Sports Illustrateds Peter King completeley ignored the news to focus on Aaron Rogers luke-warm reaction to having to spend two sundays a year with Cousins or whatever.

But thats all well in good. If Danny wanted attenton he would of drawn penalties and done elaborate TD celebrations, but hes a guy who would rather throw a party after he got into your friend zone then your end zone.

So if your keeping score this weekend, the Ravens said goodbye to a Woodhead and hello to a Crabtree which sounds like the sparknotes decsription of a chapter in a Lewis Carrol novell. Its importent to note Dannys age, and how he’s retiring if not at the peak, then at least at the base-camp of his abilties where if you watch him play you defnitely still pitch a tent. And he joins Elite company- people forget that Jesus liked retiring at the age of 33 so much he did it three times, the first two in the year zero and the third time as David Koresh.

Dannys last year in Baltimore will be remembered as a year where he was the bookend for his own final chapter- lighting up the feild on the very first drive of the year and then taking 8 games off in the spirit of fairness so his opponets could have a chance to have fun too. Danny was so concern about his teamates he even used collective verbs instead of singular ones and spent have the year on the IR instead of the I am. Thats just the type guy he was, and is. Youd have a easier time trying to find a 10-year NFL veteran from North Platte, Nebraska then finding a former teamate of Dannys who has a bad word to say about him.

-If I coud get serious- Danny’s one of the most entertaining players I’ve ever watched as well as the nicest person you’ll ever meet irregardless of his being an athelete. This was part of his game- he was just to darn polite to tackle, its like if Tom Hanks ran a 4.33 forty and could squat a school bus filled with puppies he just adopted.

We talk about how its not called the Hall Of Very Good but what im proposing is that maybe there should be one. And Danny Woodhead, without a doubt, is without a doubt a first-ballot Hall Of Very Good player. He retires as the all-time league leader in things that dont show up on the statsheet- a record that will be nearly impossble to break no matter how many strangers Christian McCaffrey saves from falling off cliffs.

Danny’s retirement took the blood right out of my heart, leaving my chest a vertible red sea that parted upon hearing the news. Danny’s memory will live on- it has to- because if we forget about Danny, we forget about ourselves, and we forget what can be accomlished in this crazy world with nothing more then a can-do attitude, firm handshake, and being one of the most atheletic running back propsects of the last twenty years.

Looking back , his career went from Nebraska to New York, to New England, to San Diego, with a brief stop in New England again when Jeff Fisher thougt he played for the Patriots in 2016 by mistake, then finaly to Baltimore and were the only east-west moves he would ever made. Now he returns to Nebraska like the nobel salmon back to its spawning grounds to repopulate its homeland with its genes of fishy hustle. Its fitting that he even retires unexpectedly fast, less like Danny Woodhead and more like Danny Goodhead folks because it came alot quicker then I had expected.