Toys "R" Us Will Reportedly Close Or Sell All Of Its Stores In The United States

Yes I used this picture on purpose to rabbit punch all of you directly in the feels

WaPo- Toy store chain Toys R Us is planning to sell or close all 800 of its U.S. stores, affecting as many as 33,000 jobs as the company winds down its operations after six decades, according to a source familiar with the matter.

The news comes six months after the retailer filed for bankruptcy. The company has struggled to pay down nearly $8 billion in debt — much of it dating back to a 2005 leveraged buyout — and has had trouble finding a buyer. There were reports earlier this week that Toys R Us had stopped paying its suppliers, which include the country’s largest toy makers. On Wednesday, the company announced it would close all 100 of its U.K. stores. In the United States, the company told employees closures would occur over time, and not all at once, according to the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss internal deliberations.

Dammmmmn. Let us all take a moment of silence for the millions and millions of childhoods that will soon be dead.

This is a blog I never thought I would ever write. Granted I don’t think the word blog was even invented when I used to go to Toys R Us as a kid. But I never thought I would see the death of Toys R Us in my lifetime. The end of an American dynasty up there with the Yankees and freedom. Yeah F.A.O Schwarz and KB bit the bullet years ago. But those stores were for the rich snobs and the faceless poors of the world. Toys R Us was simply the GOAT. The name was perfect. The backwards R was an icon in the business world up there with the McDonald’s golden arches and Nike swoosh. And of course they had an absolute FIRE commercial jingle back in the day.

That was able to seamlessly transition to the age of bad 90s hip hop beats.

If a new toy was dropping, you went to Toys R Us to buy it. Going to Toys R Us felt like you were visiting Santa’s workshop. Toys as far as the eye could see. If you saw one of these plastic treasure troves in your parents car, the possibilities of what could be inside was endless.

Could it be a Super Soaker? A box of baseball cards? A NINTENDO SIXY FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR?!?!? Before we turned to drugs and alcohol to make us happy, the occasional visit to Toys R Us got us our jollies. And if you were lucky enough to get a toy that required you to hand the cashier a slip and go to the Pick Up Center, you pretty much floated to and from the toy store.

Toys R Us was such a beast that it even survived having a fucking giraffe named Geoffrey as its mascot. Don’t get me wrong, giraffes are wonderful creatures. But they are weak as fuck as a mascot. And no offense to the Geoffreys of the world, but that name stinks out loud.

You can almost see in the evolution of Geoffrey when Toys R Us lost its way. He went from some pretty looking boy bitch with the entire world at his finger tips to a weird motherfucker once the 21st century hit.

I don’t know what the fuck happened to Geoffrey in 2001, but it changed him to his core. I’m guessing that’s when internet CEOs like Jeff Bezos started slashing prices along with their competitors necks and Geoffrey knew that Kool Aid pumped through his veins, so he transitioned to a National Geographic looking motherfucker.

However, if we are being honest, becoming a parent has helped me understand why Toys R Us is dying. Yeah their prices aren’t great and it is easier to order something from your computer instead of going to a store. But while the draw of bringing your kid to Toys R Us and seeing their minds explode in person is great, having to deal with them wanting another toy, and another, and then wanting to to play a video game before they leave, and then throwing a fucking hissy fit because they didn’t get their way even once will make even the biggest Toys R Us fan in the world promise themselves that they will never buy a toy that doesn’t come hidden in a cardboard box with the Amazon logo on the side. So yeah, I get why anybody with a kid never wants to step foot in a Toys R Us again. If us old folks are the reason that Toys R Us is going the way of Blockbuster and AOL, so be it. We didn’t want to grow up. We always wanted to be Toys R Us kids. But life happens. And it sucks.

Play us out, Boyz.

P.S. I once got hired to be a stock boy for Toys “R” Us back when I was in high school but quit because my first night was going to be the same night of the Survivor Series and I didn’t want to miss it. I am the king of quitting jobs within a week of getting them. But that’s another story for another blog.