Somebody Danny Ocean'd Paul Kariya's Shit Out Of The Hockey Hall of Fame And I Demand They Give It Back
CBC – Toronto police are searching for a man who allegedly broke into a display case at the Hockey Hall of Fame and stole a pair of championship rings donated by former NHL forward Paul Kariya. Investigators say the infraction took place when the man entered the building through the Spirit of Hockey store at around 12:30 p.m. ET on Feb. 11.
Once inside, they say he went into a storage closet that connects to a display case in the adjacent Hall of Fame, which was open to the public at the time of the theft. He then made off with a 1993 world junior championship ring and a 1994 world championship ring that were held in the case.
First of all–you steal from the Hockey Hall of Fame at all, you’re a scumbag. It’s one of the very few places in the world that should be 100% off limits to thieving crooks and criminals. You want to rob a casino? Go right away. Want to rob a bank? It’s not exactly original but sure, go for it. Want to rob a jewelry store? Have yourself a day.
But the Hockey Hall of Fame? It’s like the classiest, most overly polite place on the planet. Nothing but hockey guys saying sorrey for being so dominant at the sport that their careers needed to be enshrined forever for all to remember. I bet every single individual in the Hockey Hall of Fame would give you the shirt off their back, let you stay at their home and make you some flapjacks in the morning. It’s just the kind of people that hockey players are. So for somebody to take advantage of their good willed nature and steal a couple of championship rings that were donated by Paul Kariya, literally the nicest man in the world, well that’s just some sadistic shit right there. Paul Kariya is a saint. You mess with Paul Kariya, you mess with the entirety of the hockey world. So while I never thought I’d have to say this in my life, yes, the Hockey Hall of Fame does need enforcers. And it’s time for all of us to step up to catch this scumbag and lock him behind bars for life.
Hell, I don’t even think jail is enough for this sorry sack of shit. I say we throw him on the ice and have Scott Stevens recreate that hit on his ass. Have him seeing stars until the day he dies and rots in hell. Unfortunately this crime was committed in Canada, however, and I think the cruelest form of punishment that could possibly be handed down to him is no maple syrup for a month.
Either way, we’ll give this bastard until the end of the day to return Kariya’s shit and we won’t ask any questions. But once that sun goes down and the rings are still missing, it’s time to unleash the goons.