Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Big A$$ Games Galore” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
HO-LEE SHIT are we in for a big weekend with YOUGE games on deck in every single one of the big leagues…
PLUS – in case you didn’t see JSB’s post a couple days ago (and didn’t notice in the graphic above) – the rumors are in fact true: MLS is BACK!
So let’s get to it…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Scores from last weekend and game / snuff film from Thursday:
News, notes, observations, highlights & lowlights:
– When you include the other 3-0 ass-whuppin that City laid down on Arsenal in the Mickey Mouse cup final on Sunday, suffice to say not a week to write home to mama about for Gooners. In fact, it was waaaaaaaaay worse than that as the team essentially rolled over and presented its bottom to City like a baboon in heat – twice in one week.
If there is a silver lining (hint: there is not) it would be that a) it is officially impossible for Arsenal to have to play City in any competition for the rest of the season and b) now that Arsenal Football Club is officially dead and buried……. there is only one direction to go from here:
– Impressive win for United, which actually played some entertaining soccer for the first time in months. Safe to say it was the best overall performance from Romelu Lukaku since he joined the club for too much money last summer.
As for Chelsea, the truth is they weren’t all that bad – especially Willian who has looked like a man possessed recently – and may have been the better team for the first half, though they looked tired in the second half and got outplayed for much of it. It should be said though, United benefited from a very close decision in which Morata was flagged for offside but just as easily could have been onside.
(Note: Morata controlled the ball and ended up slotting it past De Gea on the play but, let’s be serious, had he not been flagged there is a 0.0% chance he finishes it. That is just an objective fact.)
– Liverpool stay looking scary – going forward anyway. West Ham… well, at least you tried. (Kinda.)
– Brighton with a big, big, biggggg win against fellow relegation strugglers Swansea in what was likely one of those “six-pointer” games you are going to start hearing a LOT about coming down the stretch.
– Spurs looked positively TURRIBLE against injury-riddled Palace, managing to snatch the win thanks to a header from Harry Kane – aka the club’s one-man offense.
– Burnley is having one of the stranger seasons in recent history. They haven’t won a game in months, in part because their offense is largely incapable of scoring multiple goals in the same game, yet there they still sit in 7th place (take a damn lap Everton and Lester). Alas, the clock could easily strike midnight sometime soon as the club’s awful run of form and clusterfuck at the bottom of the table means they are not at all far removed from the relegation zone if they don’t remember how to play soccer and win a game or two sometime soon.
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POWER RANKINGS
TOP 4
1. City
2. Liverpool
3. United
4. Tottenham
Honorable mention: Chelsea, Arsenal
BOTTOM 3
20. West Brom
19. Stoke
18. Burnley
Dishonorable mention: Southampton
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Table as it stands now:
And this weekend’s schedule:
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PICKS OF THE WEEKEND
City [+120]
Chelsea [+235]
Draw [+220]
City? Right now? At home? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes, no thanks. Not only were the Blues’ chances slim to begin with, but Antonio Conte may end up trying to give a guy or two a break ahead of an incredibly important return leg on the road at Barrrrrthelona next week. City to win 2-0.
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Liverpool [-500]
Newcastle [+1100]
Draw [+600]
Pretty straightforward match-up. Liverpool can score in a bunch of ways while Newcastle has proven surprisingly adept at keeping opponents from doing so. Unfortunately for Toon, they have (shock win over United aside) been forced to settle for draws far, far too often – and is the reason they are still in the midst of a relegation struggle. The uglier this game turns out to be, the better chance Newcastle has to snag a result. Only possible way Rafa Benitez finagles a win against his old club is if Liverpool’s defense collapses. Never say never on that because, well, Liverpool… but the Reds have looked much improved after the inexplicable egg they laid against West Brom in the FA Cup in late January. Funny what can happen when you give the new defensive unit a little time to gel. My guess is Newcastle succeeds in making it ugly – but not ugly enough. Liverpool to win 2-1 on a late winner from Mane-Mane.
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Other picks:
• BURNLEY vs EVERTON: Looking at both clubs the first question you have to ask is how the hell are they in the top half. It’s not that they are terrible, it’s just that they have been terrible lately. Burnley can’t score more than a goal a game and Everton’s offense has looked disjointed enough that at times you wonder if they will score ever again. One of the Toffee’s biggest problems in recent games has been Wayne Rooney, who has been dead weight in the middle of the field. My guess is Big Sam drops him and things get a bit better. Everton to win 1-0.
• LESTER vs BOURNEMOUTH: The Foxes are as healthy as they have been all season, and while the same could be said about the Cherries, the latter have been poor on the road. Lester to win 3-1.
• SOUTHAMPTON vs STOKE: **Massive six-pointer alert** Two teams that on paper should be embarrassed to be anywhere near the bottom three, but based on their form and results are very deserving of being in 16th (Saints) and 19th (Potters) positions. One win in 15 games for the home side is downright incredible, but welcoming the league’s worst road team is a recipe for a nice slumpbuster. Southampton to win 2-1.
• SWANSEA vs WEST HAM: Not a lot of defense on either side… not much offense either though. Could finish scoreless or just as easily be a goal-fest. Let’s say they meet in the middle with a 1-1 draw.
• TOTTENHAM vs HUDDERSFIELD: Spurs were bad – real bad – last weekend and somehow even worse in the first 45 minutes against Rochdale on Wednesday (albeit while fielding a B-squad in the latter). The home side also have to be mindful of a massive game next week against Juventus… could Huddersfield sneak out with a draw? It’s a definitely possibility given the midweek games and distractions. Once again though I think Hurrikane Harry comes to the rescue. Tottenham to win 2-0.
• WATFORD vs WEST BROM: Watford has been the most schizo squad in the league, and the Baggies have been just plain the worst team in the league… West Brom winning 3-2 is the thing that is so nonsensical that it almost has to happen.
• BRIGHTON vs ARSENAL: Coming off an embarrassing win against serious opposition was, in years past, a good time to expect Arsenal to regroup, dominate throughout and spank a relegation contender 4-0. This year definitely feels different… but not THAT different. Arsenal to win 3-1.
PALACE vs UNITED: Smells a lot like a game where United could be primed for a letdown on the road after the solid outing at home against Chelsea. However, fact is Palace is missing about 75% of their roster due to injuries. They played Tottenham tough last weekend but that felt more like Spurs playing like shit versus Palace coming up big. Perhaps they can keep United off the board if Lukaku reverts to Big, Bad, Sawft-As-Hell Romelu… seems unlikely though. United to win 1-0.
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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
MLS is back, baby!
It has been an interesting offseason for the league. Lots of big names switching teams. Toronto primed for another run. Atlanta serving notice that they are not fucking around. Galaxy looking for a big rebound. Big Bad Bald Bob and LAFC hoping not to suck. The Crew situation seemingly going from bad to worse for long-time fans in Columbus.
Suffice to say storylines galore. I am not going to beg or plead for you to pay attention to the league. What I will say is that the level of play is getting better every season, and the recent trend towards bringing in young, unproven talent rather than the ancient Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard’s of the world is only going to raise it further.
I will also refrain from doing an in-depth season preview because there are a TON of them out there from people who are further in the weeds than me, but what I will say is that one of the great things about MLS is that the league’s parity means that just about everybody enters the season with a legit shot at winning MLS Cup. Look at the huge strides made by the Fire last season going from a joke to contender almost overnight. So my official prediction: anybody and everybody has a shot – except New England. Sorry peeps, football season will be back soon though.
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REST OF WORLD
Germany – BVBabyjesus (poor form is only temporary) and the rest of 2nd place Dortmund travel to 6th place RB Leipzig on Saturday (12:30pm on FS2) with the home side only three points back.
Italy – Lazio hosting Juventus on Saturday (11am CT on beIN Connect) followed soon after by Roma at Napoli (1:45pm CT on beIN Connect) is appointment television—errrr streaming. As if that is not enough we also got the Milan Dærby (aka Dærby della Madonnina) on Sunday (1:45pm CT on beIN), so yeah, it’d be fair to say it’s gonna be a big weekend in Serie A.
Spain – Will we have a title race? We will know for sure by lunchtime on Sunday after Barcelona welcome Atletico Madrid (9:15am CT on beIN) in game that could see Atleti climb within two points – TWO POINTS – of a club that has lost ZERO games all season. How is that mathematically possible? I donno, but you should watch.
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So there we have it. Have a good weekend, blud fam. See you next week for another dose of glooooooooooooriousness:
Holler,
Samuel Army