As The Fastest Player On The Barstool Softball Team, I Am Also Furious That Smitty Left Me Out Of The Starting Lineup

Was I shocked when I saw Smitty and Brett release the tentative Barstool Sports Softball Lineup? No. I’m probably the most forgettable, least respected person in this office. As the fastest man in this office (who didn’t play college sports at Harvard) I deserve a spot in this lineup. Do I care where I hit? Motherfucker hit me dead last, I don’t care. I’ll turn that lineup over better than anyone can. You see that speed? You can’t teach that folks. That’s a 4.9 40 time you just don’t see every day. Runs scored is the name of the goddamn game. What do I bring at the plate? I’m not going to hit you many homers and that’s a plus. Everyone knows that home runs are rally killers. What do I do? I get on base. OBP boys and girls. Ever watch Moneyball? They built the team around On Base Percentage and it revolutionized the game of baseball. It just may be a good idea to put a guy who beats out every ground ball hit and can go from 1st to 3rd and 2nd to home on any base hit in the goddamn lineup.

Carrabis hitting 8th is insane also. How is Barstool going to put their main baseball guy 8th in the lineup behind someone who does not work for us? “Sunshine” a former intern who once did headshots for us with his camera. Preposterous. Congrats to Office Manager/Programmer/Flight Fuck-Upper Brett and Smitty for essentially forgetting both of the company’s two baseball guys. So what will I do? I won’t hire an agent like Jared I’ll just have to prove it on the field with any chance I get like I’m used to doing. I live and breathe for baseball and softball. I’ll give the team all I can because the taste of losing in last year’s playoffs was sickening and I refuse to feel that again.