My Spoiler-Free Review of 'The Two Bills'

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There are great storytellers and then there are great stories. Steven Spielberg made one of the great movie franchises of all time about a freaking archaeologist, the single most boring profession of all time, because Spielberg is a genius. On the other hand, Zack Snyder took the two most iconic superheroes of all time having a fight and turned it into a piece of fanfic that looked like he ran three hours of film down his asscrack.

But if you’re lucky, every once in a while you get a great story in the hands of great storytellers and magic happens. That is what “The Two Bills,” tonight’s 30 for 30 is. Say what you will about ESPN, but ESPN Films does things like this as well as anyone ever has. NFL Films is also involved in this one, and they are a studio I’d put right up there with Pixar or Marvel as doing the best work of any production company in the business.

I got an advanced look at this thing. Everything I say about it I say not as a Patriots fan, but just as someone with a fascination for fascinating people. I’ve heard Adam Carolla make a great point that he has no patience for anyone who isn’t interested in what makes people do the things they do. That’s what makes “The Two Bills” such compelling TV. It’s two of the most significant public pop culture figures of the last 40 or years, whose professional lives have intersected so much in so many dramatic ways, brings them together and lets them tell their side.

More than that, it’s about their relationship. Two lions in winter who’ve been through tons of things both with and against each other, swapping stories. I hate to go right to the cliche but I can’t help but say they’re like old army buddies talking about the stuff only they can do justice to because it was there.

Just a few highlights that aren’t spoilers since it’s all part of the historic record and stuff we’ve seen in other shows about the Bills:

–Some of the best footage NFL Films has ever gotten is the stuff where a mic’d up Parcells is being all belligerent and condescending to Belichick when they were both with the Giants. Lost in that is how much Parcells recognized Belichick’s talent. Early and often. Going back to when he tried to hire Belichick the one year he was head coach at Air Force Academy in 1978. Then getting him on the Giants staff as the special teams coach when Parcells was the D-coordinator. And even then, Parcells used Belichick for ideas to improve the defense and eventually made him a defensive assistant.

–The interviews are great. Lawrence Taylor talking about how he had zero respect for Belichick at first because he’d never played the game. Romeo Crennel. Charlie Weis. Pepper Johnson. And every man reading this should want to age just like Harry Carson.

–I was never aware that in 1983 with the Giants, they had a garbage year where Parcells thought he might get fired and gave Belichick permission to take a job with the Vikings. And that Belichick had agreed to it, but because he appreciated the gesture so much, he backed out of it and stayed in New York. It’s pretty ironic given how things ended for him with the Jets 17 years later.

–The stuff about the game plans Belichick came up with to win two Super Bowls in New York is Xs & Os porn. How even back then he would completely change up what they’d been doing all year to counteract what the offense was trying. Like going all man coverage for the first time all year to hold Bill Walsh’s Niners to 3 points and then shut out the Redskins with a totally different scheme the next week. Everyone remembers the Super Bowl against Denver for the fact that Phil Simms completed every pass. But we forget the goal line stand they made and getting a safety out of John Elway. Then of course there’s 1990, when they used three entirely different game plans to win another title. Plus a lot about the job Belichick did recognizing the weakness of the K-Gun Offense, the game plan that went straight to the Hall of Fame.

–Not that Parcells ever stopped busting his balls, though. There’s one great part where Belichick tells the story of some crap he took from Parcells about a scheme to stop the Barry Sanders’ Lions that has both of them laughing and Parcells mortified about what a dick he was. It’s priceless.

–Speaking of dicks, I’d never really put 2-and-2 together on this, but after that win over Buffalo in the Super Bowl, Parcells pretty much hosed Belichick – not to mention the Giants – by waiting months to decide he was retiring. And by then, Belichick had already taken the Cleveland job. He’s always maintained his heart doctor ordered him to. But he must have known he was stepping down and could’ve given the job to his right hand guy instead of letting him go work for that conniving asswipe Art Modell and almost ruining his career.

–Parcells and Robert Kraft have long said they’ve buried hatchets and all bygones have gone by. But there’s some bitterness still lingering there. And the owner has the reveal of the show regarding what he heard from the league office when Parcells was trying to get the Jets job.

–The best part about the messy divorce the two Bills had when Belichick resigned as the HC of the NYJs is listening to Scott Pioli talk about it. He was Belchick’s closest assistant but also Parcells’ son-in-law. I lived with two of brothers who weren’t talking to each other like the dumbass, stubborn Irishmen they are, and it went on for years. So I can relate. And the story about the way they finally worked through their beef sounds pretty familiar as well.

–Come for the discussion. Stay for Belichick’s haircuts down through the years. And keep an eye out for a quick shot of him with the most awesome 90s porn mustache since Jeff Gillooly.

–Finally, be prepared to see two of the biggest hardasses of our life and times feel all sorts of feelings. Nostalgic. Conciliatory. Wistful. Happy. Reverent. Proud. Mutually respectful. And about as close to love as you’re going to get out of them. I’m watching “The Two Bills” at least a couple more times before the game Sunday. And I’m gonna need a bigger box of Kleenex. It gets the much coveted Jerry Thornton Certified Fresh