A Lady Ordered A Hat On Amazon And Instead Received Blue Scorpion Venom That Cures Cancer

Mashable- A funny Amazon purchase for sauna hats got weird when a blue scorpion venom-based drug arrived instead. Journalist Meagan Day posted about her delivery misadventures this week when an order for jokey felt sauna hats with the word “oligarch” printed in Russian finally got delivered. But instead of hats, she received a drug that includes blue scorpion venom in its ingredients. The package came from Ukraine. 

Oh fuck yes! How excited is Meagan Day? She doesn’t sound excited which is confusing. Lemme break it down for her. She ordered a sauna hat. I don’t even know what that is (my best guess is it’s a hat that you wear in a sauna) but it sounds very stupid. I’ve never once been sitting in a sauna and thought, “You know what would make this experience even better? A hat.” So anyway she ordered a stupid sauna hat that probably cost like 12 bucks. I can’t really judge her, though. Sometimes you get bored and order stupid shit on Amazon. For instance, on Friday I ordered a tape measure* for no reason whatsoever. I ordered it cause I could. But what did this lady get instead of a sauna hat? A CURE FOR CANCER.

Ever heard of cancer? It sucks. It’s a devastating disease. You and everyone you know has been affected in some way by cancer. And now this lady has the cure! When she thought she was getting a sauna hat! No one has ever had a greater mistake happen to them than the lady who thought she was getting a sauna hat and got a cure for cancer instead. Lottery winners aren’t that lucky. Not only does she have the cure but she has the cure in the form of blue scorpion venom which is fucking awesome. If I accidentally get sent a cure for cancer, I want it to be blue scorpion venom. That sounds like something that would turn you into a super hero.

*Did you guys know it’s tape measure and not tape measurer? I found that out on Friday when I ordered one. I’ve been saying tape measurer since the day I was born. My whole world got flipped on it’s side when I learned it was tape measure. My innocence was stolen from me.