Gamer Breaks A 15 Year Old Goldeneye Speed Run Record And Loses His Fucking Marbles
Polygon- All of the world record times for each stage of GoldenEye 007, on Agent difficulty, were set more than 12 years ago and Dam, the first stage, is the oldest of them all. Yesterday, that time was beaten. Dam, Agent difficulty, was run in 53 seconds by Bryan Bosshardt on Sept. 27, 2002. Karl Jobst ran it in 52 seconds on Dec. 2, 2017, which you can see above. It’s a seven-minute video but the payoff comes 1:48 in when Jobst gets the official word from the game itself: 52 seconds.
DO YOU YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
YES!!!
If you didn’t laugh, cry, and think AKA The Jimmy V Trifecta during that video, you don’t have a pulse. Raw human moments like that is why Amazon bought Twitch for almost a billion dollars. Well moments like that and moments like this.
Never in my life did I think myself and Stoolies would watch Keenan Allen get an up close and personal shot of Princess Peach driving on Smitty’s ass, but with technology anything is truly possible.
Anyway, back to our white-haired secret agent. You know things were cooking when the chat room was nice and supportive the entire time. Score one for the anonymous commenters in the world! Nothing but compliments, that soothing Goldeneye music playing in the background, and the best reaction from something Nintendo 64 related since THE Nintendo 64 Reaction.
But the real winner here was of course Karl. The Dam level ain’t got shit on him! I knew this was a big deal by his reaction but then I read a breakdown of what exactly the dam record means and well, it’s kind of a big deal folks.
GoldenEye is a speedrunning mainstay, and this mark has been akin to the sub-four minute mile, multiplied by breaking the sound barrier.
Not only did Karl break the four-minute mile while breaking the sound barrier but he registered stats on stats on stats while doing it.
Mama there goes that man! Don’t worry, he won’t shoot you. But he will finish a level faster than anybody in the history of the planet. Karl Jobst is a speed runner, not a fighter.
While I hate to stereotype, I have to admit that Karl having a girlfriend was an even bigger upset than breaking a speed record that has been alive for almost as long as Robbie Fox. Nothing and I mean NOTHING feels better than some head scratches from your boo after a big accomplishment. Love-filled head scratches are reasons 1, 2, and 3 to have a significant other.
Granted those head scratches were closer to the way a person pets a cat. All that was missing was a saucer of milk. But still, definitely a heart warming moment.
Another reason I love Twitch is that you can witness someone have the biggest moment of their life followed quickly by them awkwardly blowing their nose on a live stream.
Imagine immediately after winning the Super Bowl last year, Tom Brady sat down in his chair and just started unleashing snot and boogers into a Kleenex? Electric.
If you enjoyed watching a guy turn into a puddle of goo for completing a Goldeneye level in 52 seconds as the chat room turned into an OMG orgy as much as I did, you have have havvvvvve to watch King of Kong. I mean if you haven’t watched it after countless endorsements by Portnoy and Big Cat, you probably are never going to watch it. But I will tell you it is the most entertaining documentary you will ever watch in your life and it’s not even CLOSE. More weirdos and unintentional comedy quotes than every Comic Con ever.
And if you don’t have time to watch the whole thing at work, at least watch the trailer for a taste of the absolute RIDICULOUSNESS that is King of Kong.