Infamous Hijacker D.B. Cooper Has New Letter Released And He's So Damn Smooth

The full letter is detailed below:

Sirs,

I knew from the start that I wouldn’t be caught.

I didn’t rob Northwest Orient because I thought it would be romantic, heroic or any of the other euphemisms that seem to attach themselves to situations of high risk.

I’m no modern day Robin Hood. Unfortunately do have only 14 months to live.

My life has been one of hate, turmoil, hunger and more hate, this seemed to be the fastest and most profitable way to gain a few fast grains of peace of mind.

I don’t blame people for hating me for what I’ve done, nor do I blame anybody for wanting me to be caught and punished, though this can never happen.

Here are some (not all) of the things working against the authorities:

I’m not a boasting man

I left no fingerprints

I wore a toupee

I wore putty make-up

They could add or subtract from the composite a hundred times and not come up with an accurate description; and we both know it.

I’ve come and gone on several airline flights already and am not holed up in some obscure backwoods town.

Neither am I a psycho-pathic killer. As a matter of fact I’ve never even received a speeding ticket.

Thank you for your attention.

D.B. COOPER

I dont know if this letter is legit but it feels legit. It feels real and buddies,,,it feels spectacular. D.B. Cooper is such a legend. Just galavanting all across the globe while everyone looks for his ass in the woods. He knew they were looking for him. Gave no fucks about that. He just kept living his best mustachioed life.

“You think I’m holed up in some shack like Sadaam Hussein’s bitch ass in a spider hole? Couldnt be me. I’m hopping on aeroplanes and sippin little drinks with an umbrella in those bitcces. I’m asking for seconds on the quiche. They don’t give it to me but there’s no harm in trying.”

Love it. He’s right too. If you’re in 1st Class, why not ask for the second quiche?

“Im not a boasting man.”

I’m pretty sure writing that letter saying no one can catch you if what a boasting man would do but maybe he means conversationally. I could see that. He’s not gonna be at the local McDonalds and ordering a 20 pack of nuggies and telling people at the soda fountain that he’s DB Cooper.

“I wore a toupee. I wore putty make-up.”

Sounds like he just liked dressing up. DB Cooper boarding planes like

Overall, I love the letter. I love the fact that the article goes on to say that Cooper left a long number sequence at the bottom of the letter. Probably just a string of random ass numbers that mean nothing. The whole thing is just so smooth. In fact, the only thing more smooth than DB Cooper is the Grammy Award-winning smash hit Smooth by Carlos Santana featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 on the multiplatinum album Supernatural.