The Rumors Are True, I'm Friends With Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson

hahahahaha Oh Dwayne! Carbs and dysfunction! You silly goose. Nothing to see here, guys. Just a couple of pals with rocking bods laughing it up on the Twitter machine. Me and The Rock. Buds for life. I’ve been a fan of Dwayne for about 18 months now. That is likely insulting to people like my friend Robbie Fox but it’s true. I didn’t follow his career as a Miami football player. I never followed him as a wrestler. I don’t watch Ballers. I’d see him pop up in cinematic masterpieces like Walking Tall and Tooth Fairy but that’s about it.

That changed a year and a half ago. But the only way I consume Dwayne Johnson content is via his Instagram and let me tell you, it’s amazing. You probably already know that. He is a unending well of enthusiasm, good vibes and humble brags. He gets about 45 minutes of sleep each night and spends most of his days working out and/or making the world a better place. He’s arguably the most likable person on planet Earth.

And now we’re friends. He said it. He said “my friend” so that makes it official. The haters and losers who said I was lonely and didn’t have friends are extremely quiet right now. Deafeningly so. Also, there are rumors that Dwayne is going to run for president in 2020 and I’d like to take this opportunity to throw my hat in the ring for VP. We’d be an unstoppable duo. I hope he likes John Mayer and Broadway shows.