Your Official NLDS Game 5 Pump Up Blog

Pictured: Two World Series Champion cancer survivors.

Listen I’ll be the first to admit Game 4 sucked and Stephen Strasburg murdered me. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not running from that because we’re already on to Washington for winner take all game 5. If anything Stephen Strasburg just set the table for epic and inevitable Washington D.C. heartbreak. And good for him because Washington D.C. sucks at everything except museums and even then I’ll take the Field Museum every day of the week and twice on Thursdays because free admission duh. But I digress.

Point is Washington D.C. sucks. It’s a bunch of me-first self-serving assholes trying to fuck one another – literally and figuratively – until they lose. And literally everyone in Washington D.C. ends up losing. No one gets out of that fucking place alive save for some of those Obama admins with massive twitter followings. I’m not asking you to believe in God or karma or intelligent design or any of that shit. I’m just saying there’s a reason Washington D.C. has never accomplished anything in professional sports and it’s because that emerald-shaped pile of taxpayer shit represents the very ethos of what it means to be an asshole. They’re all frauds, and sometimes bad things happen to bad people. Washington D.C.’s rich history of fucking up professional sports is a prime example. They lose, time and time again, mostly in soul crushing fashion, because they deserve it.

Tonight will be no different.

Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant are too good to fail. I’m not taking it any further than that because I honestly don’t need to. These are the two biggest swinging dicks at the cracker factory for a reason. They have been here before, succeeded here before, and are coming off quite possibly their worst combined game in recent history. Do you think it’s possible that they bounce back? That they rise to the occasion and curb stomp the Washington Nationals on their home turf? Because honest to god my brain can’t imagine another scenario. It doesn’t function that way. I’m conditioned to the Cubs coming up big because that’s all they do.

And again, tonight will be no different.

Cubs in 5.