Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 3: Patriots vs. Texans
Things to consider while pre-ordering your 28-33 Comeback shirt:
*Even if you wanted to minimize Tom Brady’s performance last week because New Orleans’ defense is objectively terrible and made Sam Bradford look like career prime Steve Young, you’ll have no such luck slapping an asterisk on this one. Against an elite defense. With arguably the best front line in the game. That seemingly has the cheat codes to unlock all the secret passages that lead into the Patriots backfield, getting his arm karate chopped every third or fourth time he pulled the ball behind his ear, he withstood all that pressure for a 25-for-35, 378-yard 5 TD masterwork. And if you did want minimize last week’s game, you are a sad, pathetic little creature who can’t appreciate the beautiful things in life. And may God take pity on your soul because I don’t.
*I’m still trying to figure out what changed on that final drive. Following three straight punts and back-to-back 3 & outs, Brady converted a 3rd & 12 and a 3rd & 18. And that touchdown to Brandin Cooks looked like it was against a deep safety with five defenders forming a border wall at 12 yards (right where most 7-step drop routes make their break). In other words, exactly the defense to prevent a guy getting open in the end zone. The thing is, Cooks wasn’t “open” in the sense we usually use the term. It was more like when you crack the window when it’s pouring rain and too cold to use the A/C but you want some air in the car. Just a perfect boundary throw that was either going to result in a specular catch or be out of bounds and let the Pats live another play.
*And Cook’s not only made one of the great toe-tap catches of the Bradichick Era, that Tommen Baratheon face first dive was a nice flourish at the end. We all knew he’s got hyperdrive on verticals and a very polished route-running game. But he supposedly wasn’t that good on contested balls, not great on fade routes and nobody’s idea of a slot receiver. So I present to you: The 44-yard 50/50 ball he hauled in on the first drive. That end zone catch. And the Edelmanesque 2-point conversion, when he ran what the Pats call “Scat,” an option route where he runs away from man coverage or sits under zone. We’re only three games in, but the trick is to find something Cooks can’t do. I for one am not missing that first round pick.
*But obviously Cooks is being his best self when he’s using his speed deep routes, like the touchdown where he torched Jonathan Banks to make it 28-20. He was the Z opposite a 2-tight alignment where only two receivers went out. Gronk came in motion to the opposite side to block Benardrick McKinney, while Chris Hogan ran a deep Read In and Cooks crossed underneath him and Brady hit him in stride with a spiral like a fidget spinner for the catch and run. The Pats haven’t had two wideouts that can offer this kind of deep threat at the same since Randy Moss and Donte Stallworth.
*And someone is going to have to explain to me how Hogan can go uncovered as often as he does. I’ve never seen anything like it. He just goes completely unnoticed more than and receiver I’ve ever seen. I’m almost worried the league is going to catch him with a Predator-like invisibility camo device in his wristband.
*On a side note, if Jonathan Banks’ teammates call him anything but “Ehrmantraut,” they can’t ever be my friends.
*When you give up 300 passing yards to a team that had 208 total through two games, a White House spokesperson couldn’t make you sound good. The best spin you can maybe go with is you’re “a work in progress.” That said, I have to give it to Houston’s game plan and Deshaun Watson. The ran a lot of read option to keep the Pats’ defense off balance and take the ends out of the game without having to put blockers on them. They got themselves into a shit ton of 3rd & shorts. Watson showed good command of both the option and when to check to pass. And they repeatedly used it to gash the D-line up the middle. That dime he threw to Ryan Griffen in the back of the end zone – back-shouldering him with Devin McCourty in great position – was electric. If Bill O’Brien can bring himself to ride out Watson’s inevitable setbacks, meaning repress his instinct to switch quarterbacks like he’s bringing in relief pitchers, I think the kid can get them to the playoffs.
*That said, the Patriots really could have used the Alan Branch they gave a two-year extension to. Not the Alan Branch who showed up after signing a two-year extension. Maybe it’s injury or something legit. But it feels a lot more like he’s the guy of inconsistent effort they suspended for a preseason game last year. So they find themselves relying way too much on Malcom Brown, Lawrence Guy and Adam Butler. And on passing downs, it’s Deatrich Wise, Guy and Butler. And they miss that space-eating veteran presence in the middle.
*Which by the way has inspired me to pitch anidea to CBS, Wise Guy Butler. A sitcom in which a street-smart, fast-talking former mob snitch (I’m thinking Steve Buscemi) goes into Witness Protection posing as the servant of a wacky, Trump-like billionaire. It has to be better than Young Sheldon.
*And yet remarkably, they are getting production from Wise. The interception Watson basically UPSed to Stephon Gilmore’s front steps was all Wise. It was a play action against a 3-man front in which the line slid with the motion and tight end Ryan Griffin came over to the backside to block Wise. But Wise fought off Griffin AND the back to get in Watson’s grill mix and force one of the few bad decisions he made.
*And don’t sleep on Cassius Marsh. Just before the half he shot a gap to tackle Lamar Miller for a loss on 3rd & short. And then on the next Texans possession he went around Breno Giacomini and shed Miller for a sack. It’s still not a consistent pass rush by the unit as a whole, but Wise and Marsh a positive surprises so far.
*But I can’t ignore one that play where they came at Watson from all directions like ninjas and had him in the grasp like two dozen times only to let him escape and hit D’Onta Foreman all alone for 35 yards. It might have been the worst play by the Patriots’ D. I can ever remember. But don’t go by me. I’ve repressed a lot. You don’t want to be the next guy who cuts me off while your texting. I’m a ticking time bomb of swallowed “Bend but Don’t Break Defense” rage.
*I would like D’Onta Foreman’s parents and Dont’a Hightower’s parents to get together and decide once for all where that apostrophe is supposed to go.
*Mike Gillislee is quick to the hole. He’s decisive. He’s one of those “forward lean” guys who picks up a yard while he’s going down. But his inability to pick up 3rd & shorts is a growing problem even worse than my road rage. Fourth quarter, your team just surrendered the lead and they give you the ball three times is a terrible time for a lead back not to convert a one yard run. But we’ve seen it a lot already.
*But credit where it’s due, Gillislee’s sack of Brady was textbook.
*Speaking of CBS sitcoms (I know I haven’t been for a while, but play along with me), I’m going to say something I’ve never said before and will never say again: I want to watch Kevin Can Wait. Not because it’s not atrocious, but because I want to see how they write his wife character out of the show after one season to replace her with Leah Remini. I mean, it’s his wife. She’s not someone from Dunder Mifflin they can just transfer to another branch. I’m hoping they have the guts to have America’s Most Beloved TV Regular Joe Fat Guy cruelly break up with her or kill her and dissolve her body in a barrel of acid. But my guess is they’ll never mention her again like Mark Brendanawicz on Parks & Rec.
*I’ve already acknowledged that I’m a bad Christian. So I don’t mind admitting I did what we all did when we saw a Patriots tight end with a 7 on his jersey go down in pain. As a fanbase, without exception, we all freaked out until he rolled over and saw that was a 47 and not an 87. Sorry, Jacob Hollister. But such is the cruel reality of the business you’ve chosen. But get well and come back next week. Seriously. We’re all pulling for you.
*As I wrote about last week, the Texans’ “Diamond” 5-man front was the clown in the Patriots’ storm drain. They’ve got the personnel to line up anybody, any place. They’ll mostly put Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus into whatever they determine is the weak spot in the O-line (mostly the Pats interior) and exploit the matchup. But you’ll also see them run a lot of games and twists. Sometimes stunting one of them behind two down linemen who attack at an angle. It really is a great thing to watch. Less a chess match than a game of Risk where they overwhelm your forces in some shit hole country you left underdefended.
*JJ Watt played perhaps his best game ever against the Patriots. From the opening set of downs, he put Cameron Fleming on his ass (I don’t think we saw Fleming again all day), then put a swim move on LaAdrian Waddle to blow past him. Two runs. Two TFLs. And the Pats spent the rest of the afternoon trying to chip him and the other outside rushers with little or no results. So I’m not taking anything away from him. I’ll just say that in NFL history there has never been a guy who jumps out of a pile faster to get TV face time and credit for making the play than JJ Watt does on every single play.
*This Week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “You know, as long as I’ve known him, everything works for him. There’s nothing he can’t handle. I can’t handle anything. School. Parents. The future. Ferris can do anything.” – Cameron, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
*For some reason in the middle of a drive, the Gillette PA system started cranking “All Along the Watchtower.” Which is fine. It’s a classic. I’m just so conditioned to it being used in movies to say “This is the set in the 1960s” or “Jump cut to Vietnam” that it seems weirdly out of place anywhere someone isn’t about to get high or kill someone in an unpopular war because of The Man.
*No one ever pays attention to Special Teams, but they not only kept the Patriots in this game, they almost cost them the game too. Repeatedly we saw them win the field position battle with great coverages by bottom of the roster guys like Marquis Flowers and Jonathan Bademosi. But then at a crucial point, the game turned on two punts. One that Danny Amendola fair caught at the 5 instead of letting it go to the end zone, followed by Ryan Allen’s lob wedge with back spin that put the Texans on New England’s side of the 50. Two punts that flipped the field practically all by themselves. It’s just a reminder that Special Teams plays count.
*Another reminder: Gronk is healthy. He didn’t tear his groin or destroy his surgically-repaired back last week like we thought. He’s running seam routes and posting up overmatched safeties like Shaq with his back to the basket in the paint. And this is something we need to acknowledge and be grateful for. It’s a sin to take that for granted.
*It’s also a sin to take another Brady comeback for granted. Like I said to McAfee and Hawk on Laces Out, if you leave Gillette early because you think Brady won’t pull off another comeback – if you Wahlberger it – you deserved to be shunned by decent society.
*Brady should buy tape of this game and just run it as a pliability, hydration and electrolyte-fueled infomercial for the TB 12 Method.