Feitelberg's Recent Hate Train Of Bikes Has Reminded Me That I Fucking Love Bikes, Fellas!

I understand what John has been saying. People who hog the road on their bikes can be extremely annoying. They swerve in and out of traffic with no regard for life or limb until you rob them of their lives and limbs. One minute you are heading to the local library to pick up a book in the classic section because your high school didn’t require you to read the greats like Jack London. A story about dogs and the cold Alaska winters? Sign me up, pal.

Forgetting what city the story actually takes place in, you look down at your Good Reads app and bam! You hit a cyclist. Not only is that cyclist a bloody mess but you forgot to reserve the book. Will it be gone by the time you get there? Who knows. That’s the luck of the draw at the library. That’s why they call the library the literary lottery. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose.

So if a cyclist caused you to miss out on a classic like Call of the Wild, I could see getting upset. Now, truth be known, I don’t know what book John missed out on. I’ll have to ask him.

Anyway, John being suspended from twitter because of cyclist slander got me thinking about all the great times I had on the ole Huffy Mudslinger. What a name! What a bike!

Buddy, when I pulled up to the park covered in mud, the ladies were ready to give me a jump and I’m not talking x games shit or nuthin like that. I’m talkin kissin. Mouth style. I’d zoom that fucker down stairs, dart across traffic, and even build ramps to get some serious sky in the middle of the street. Bad boy stuff. One time, I rode my bike to an adjacent neighborhood where lots of construction was going on. I saw that there was some leftover, attic-foam insulation sitting by a trash can. I grabbed that shit, rode off to the park again, and proceded to slide down a HUGE slide with the insulation under my ass. Weeeeeeee, indeed!

Well, the insulation was fiberglass and little shards got stuck in my tiny testicles and baby butt crack so I had to go to the hospital! God damn I miss having a bike.

I’ve been searching the web for hours trying to decide which bike I might get. What an amazing life we lead. Bikes, they aren’t just for children anymore. Who knew?