MMBM: Stanislov Petrov Was A Cuck For Not Destroying The World In 1983. Also Tony Romo Sucks

PFT Commenter 9/18/2017 2:50 PM

Note: TL;DR.

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Im going to get into football in a minute but it came to my attention this morning that one of the central figures in world history has past away and I feel the need to speak on it:

RIP to Stanislov Petrov whose death was just reported by the Russian Times.

But PFT, whose Stanislov Petrov?

Glad you asked so sit down for PFTs history corner you might learn something.

Stanislov was a Soviet military guy who was part of the team in charge of repsonding to nucular threats during the cold war. One night in 1983, all of his computers started telling him that the US had launched a bunch of nukes at the USSR, and it was his job to tell his commander so they could fire back before they all died. Had the pinko commies responded, the United States would of fired back as well, resulting in-at minimum- some really cool explosions. Well in what can only be described as a complete dereliction and abdictation of duty- Petrov declined to inform his supervisor about the incoming missiles, leaving his countrymen exposed to nucular annhilation without so much as the threat of killing millions of other civilans on the other side of the ocean. The only thing worse then blowing up the planet when you dont have to is NOT blowing up the planet when you dont have to. If your going to make a mistake do it at a hundred miles per hour so you can be coached up.

Some call him the man who saved the world. But to those of us with operational securty experience, Petrov instead will forever be known as a big time cuck and cautonary tale in what not to do. He was a me-firster, thinking he was smarter then dozens of people whose jobs and livlihoods were nessecetated by the need to prepare for and be on the alert at all times for nuclear war. The entire world was made out of nails, and instead of swinging a hammer Petrov was only armed with a blindofld. His inaction needlessly saved the lives of millions of people on earth including would-be criminals & serial killers like OJ Simpson, Chris Benoit, and Joseph Kony. His failure to perform his sworn duty resulted in the creation of the internet making him complicit in slave trade, child pornography, Louise Mensch, & the death of print journlism. He demanded to have visual confirmation of the attack insteadve computer readouts- making him also the first person to pivot to video.

Petrov would of been perhaps the worlds worst football teamate and polar opposite of a Schiano man. While he was busy thinking, his opponents were busy doing. Even worse is that this guy is heralded as a hero for being too queasy at the thought of continental incineration to do his job. Imagine if Malcom Butler had asked Belichick why he should practice for the Seahawks passing the ball from the two when they had Marshawn Lynch. Ronnie Lott would of cut off his own finger to press that button. Petrov had a duty to protect his homeland by destroying everything that wasnt his homeland & the fact that he didnt makes him perhap’s historys biggest cuck.

And what impact did this have on the United States? Well the rise of the spread offense & modern labor movement in sports happened shortly thereafter so its impossible to say that the two are unrelated. But also it effected our collective self-worth. If the Russians dont take us seriously enough to respond to a false alarm, then we obvously needed to be spending more money on nuclear capabilities. Its like if you give a STD to your spouse and they dont say anything about it because they dont think your enough of a catch to sleep with anyone else- you take that as a insult and hit the gym. Instead, Petrovs lack of a response just made the US feel more entitled then ever before and allowed to to win the cold war. Lets hope the US dosen’t make the same mistakes.

Now Im going to stick to sports:

We’re only two weeks into Tony Romos commentating up in the booth but I feel like enough time has past to the point where we can give a educated opinion- he stinks. Tony calling out plays before they happen make me

1. wonder how come he couldnt do that in the playoffs

2. less inclined to watch the plays themselves because he’s allready given spoilers

Imagine sitting down on a sunday to watch a classic movie like The Crying Game and before your done pleasuring yourself someone comes in and spoils the ending. Thats essentally how I feel every time Tony calls out a play before it happens.

Its honestly not that impressive I use to correctly predict Tony Romo interceptions in the 4th quarter all the time but I kept that to myself and the rest of the Buffalo Wild Wings I happen to be in at the time. People wonder why the rating’s are down well I’ve got news for you maybe its because we dont like being told the outcome of a play before we have a chance to see it on our own. Maybe its because we miss Phil Simms. Or maybe its simply because every time we here him speak from the booth we’re reminded that we wont get to see him throw a literaly back breaking interception.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Joe Thomas

Congratulatons, I guess, to Joe Thomas who played his 10,000 consecutive NFL snap on Sunday. A Browns offensive tackle getting credit for conescutive snaps is like a Kennedy famly bodyguard celebrating his 500th trip to a hospital without getting a speeding ticket. Of course there are people who will say that if you can do 10,000 conescutive anythings, you must not be doing them very hard- and to them I will say that I agree. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done in my life 10,000 times that I should of stopped doing after 2,000.

Also Joe couldnt get into our superbowl party so I had to go meet him outide and open up a hole for him to get into the shindig so whose the better blocker here? You tell me.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Move over Tom Sawyer, because the Patriots were more concentrate on the pass then the Rush.

The only fence that got whitewashed during the long week in New England was its Off Fence, as Tom Brady dealt three TDs in the first half to Rex Burkhead, Rob Gronkowski, and Chris Hogan repsectfully and repsectively. Also James Develin maintains his lead in the fullback assist category giving him 4 on the year.

2. I call this guy Cialis Campbell because its tough to keep up with him for 4 hours. Sacksonville had a rough go of things verse the Titans and brought the Jaguars franchise record 1 game win streak to start the season to a close. Im not sure if this is actualy a correct stat but it feels that way and feelings are never wrong to have.

Meanwhile on the offense side of the ball- Dr. Fourth Quarter Blake Bortles was hard at work down the stretch operating like a surgeon who gave his pateint breast implants after theyd already died of malpractice. Bortles has perhaps the best insurance policy this side of a Health Saving’s Account behind him in Chad Henne who provides as much job security as being a bodyguard for the Kennedys. I just cant get over how Florida there names are together- Chad is just a less trustworthy version of the name Blake. There like twins where Blake accidentaly breaks a vase but Chad convinces him they should make one out of construction paper and great job apple stickers instead of telling mom they were playing turtle-frisbee in the house again. Blake and Chad sounds like a couple of Florida guys who owe too much money to a salvia dealer so they have to sell illegally imported animals in a strip mall.

3. If there was one coach who should be sponsored by Arbys its Mike Shanahan, who use to go through ball carriers like bottles of aloe vera

The Colts are ironicaly not on a roll, and speaking of food that are beneath feeding to canines, Indianapolis is under dogs at home this weekend against the Browns. No one in there lives with the exception of maybe Amelia Earhardt has screwed up as bad at there job as you’d have to do in order to make the Browns a road favorite.

4. The Pussfication of America continues as the CFL is going to ban all full-contact practices beginning next year. I guess the fear is that the players are risking to many injuries but a easy way to elimnate 20% of the wear in tear would be just to play 4 downs like normal football players. I would be ok with a compromise where they let you practice without pads but you still had to hit full contact. Cant have it both ways.

5. Rough summer for Ryen Rusillo:

No offense Ryen you know I love you

6. Connect the dots on this one folks:

Classic case of beating yourself. Shady stuff here from the Bills who were on the road playing verse the only guy in the league who practices more self-love then McCoy- Cam Newton.

7. There could be trouble down in the big easy where the only thing lower then the altitude is the expectations and insulin levels. Im a firm believe that every time Drew Brees does his little robotic shoudler hitch backword before he throws a deep ball, a angel gets its birthmark- however the Saints have been taking less shots, and in true New Orelans fashion holding onto hand grenades. Namely Adrian Peterson whose allready found something to stew about not getting enough touches. Folks I havent seen a Saints RB make this big of a stink airing dirty laundry since Najeh Davenport.

8. All the naysayers in the Windy city need to relax instead of blowing there hot air. Mitch Trubisky might be the QB of the future but Mike Glennon is the QB of the present. You dont change horses in midstream, and you certainly dont want to dismount a girafe the animal who keeps his head above water best of all. Great part about Glennon is that he’s so tall that he can see over his offensive line and watch the defenders intercepting him more clearley- this lets him learn from his mistakes more effecently. Coaches call him the walking film room since you learn 3 times as much from your screw-ups as you do from your successes.

9. Per Peter King, Marshawn Lynch aka Breast Mode is now selling bras in Oakland and this is just one of many problem’s I have with his self indulgent return to the Bay area. Players shouldn’t be aloud to give teams a hometown discount in the first place. Its reverse collusion and price fixing. Its also a unwelcome distraction for beat writers who now have to figure out how to spell the name’s of rappers that Marshawn dances to on the sidelines when they could be writing another column about Derek Carrs wife.

10. Boobs are overated. Strictly from a objective point of view I’ll take pee pee and buttholes any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I only beleve in three things abosoluteley- the second amendment and the right to be homeschooled. To give absolute power and repsect to boobs is borderline dangerous specially when you consider the fact that some of historys greatest monsters like my ex girlfriend and Hitlers mom both had boobs. When you say you believe in them absoluteley are you also condoning Hitler and me getting friend-zoneded? Its tough to say. Buttholes- comedys last frontier- on the other hand are way funnier and versitile. They can be in or out holes, but if there in holes your either having the best time of your life or the absolute worst. Plus they make stinky smells and funny noises- meanwhile boobs just sit there. Pee pee is good too because its sterile so you can use it for pranks or to make Heiniken. Pee can be clear if your hydrated, or dark yellow if you’re a selfish teamate. Its also hilairous when you forget to use a toilet and pee yourself and it goes on your crotch where your penis or vaginas are.

In conclusion while boobs are cool and defnitely hilarious, butt holes and pee-pee are without a doubt superior in just about every way. Bonus points if your a bird or Mel Kiper and you pee and poop out of the same hole but now I’m just being greedy.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Plenty of Bad Seats Still Available

The Chargers and the Rams combined coudn’t outdraw USC over the weekend and left Los Angeles fan’s in a state of analysis paralysis trying to figure out which NFL game they should show up late to. Its a huge missed oppotunry by StubHub to put there name on the Chargers stadium while JPP’s cast is still sponsorless.