The Post Game Press Conference For Russia's Coach Was Awesome

(Source) Zinetula Bilyaletdinov, the 58-year-old head coach of the Russian hockey team, faced a crowd of stunned Russian journalists after Finland eliminated his squad from the men’s hockey tournament here with a 3-1 win in the quarterfinals.A news conference with Bilyaletdinov, followed by a brief impromptu session surrounded by roughly 20 reporters, offered evidence of how much the loss shocked Russia. Excerpts of the exchanges between the coach and Russian journalists are below:

At a news conference at Sochi’s Bolshoy Ice Dome shortly after Russia’s loss to Finland:

Q: Is this a catastrophe?

A: This has certainly been an unsuccessful appearance.

Q: [Inaudible]

A: Let’s not play with words. I told you, we were unsuccessful. Call it what you will.

Q: Mr. Bilyaletdinov, in what way, exactly, do you see yourself at fault for what happened? What would you have done differently if you could turn back the clock? Maybe you should have played [Alexander] Ovechkin and [Evgeni] Malkin on separate lines?…Did you want to try this, and if so, why didn’t you?

A: I don’t want to talk about this now. I’m at fault for everything. I didn’t fulfill the task before me.

Q: What do you have to say to the fans? 12,000 came to this match and many more watched on television.

A: I apologize to the fans for this result. We were unsuccessful, and the expectations were totally different.

In a scrum with Russian reporters after the news conference:

Q: You said that the analysis will come later. But what mistakes can you talk about now?

A: There were individual mistakes. That’s why we couldn’t affect the result even though we had twice as many chances as the opponents. We just couldn’t score.

Q: What future, if any, do you see for your own work and for your coaching staff? Because, you know, your predecessor was eaten alive after the Olympics—

A: Well then, eat me alive right now—

Q: No, I mean—

A: Eat me, and I won’t be here anymore.

Q: But we have the world championship coming up!

A: Well then, there will be a different coach because I won’t exist any more, since you will have eaten me.

Q: But you’re staying, aren’t you?

A: Yes, I will remain living.

There is HA-HA funny, you know a good old fashioned joke that can be taken for exactly what it is, a joke. And then there is I’m joking but there is also some truth behind what I’m saying funny. That’s what’s going on here. Yeah Zinetula Bilyaletdinov is technically “joking” about getting eaten alive. We all get that it’s metaphorically speaking, but at the same time there is a little piece that is real in this. He may be eaten alive. That very well could happen. He knows it, I know it, and the whole world knows it. Yeah he’ll be “eaten alive”, get it? So funny right? Totally not serious. He’s going to be just fine, won’t be eaten alive, I think.

PS

Feel like Rob Schneider being number 2 on google image search for “cringe face” is a big time coup for his career. Stay relevant.