Squirrels Are Attacking Humans Again. The Time For War Is Now
There was about a week of terror last November when squirrels in Florida were attacking humans on the regular. And apparently, those jackass squirrels have made their way north for the summer and are back at it again.
BBC – Authorities in New York have warned people visiting Prospect Park in Brooklyn to be on the lookout for an “unusually aggressive” squirrel.
Health officials said the “possibly rabid” rodent attacked at least five people at the park last week, four of whom have since been traced. A fifth person, who was jogging when attacked, has been urged to seek medical attention, local media report.
Here’s what I said back in November about squirrels attacking humans, and I wholeheartedly stand by all of it today. Even more so.
“For years, humans and squirrels have had this unspoken agreement. We let them go through our trash. We let them dart out in the middle of the street and try to avoid turning them into road kill. (Sidenote: I’m pretty sure squirrels have to be fucking with us at this point. I mean they wait until you’re 10 feet away before they cross the street. They know we’re not trying to hit them and they just want to see how close they can get).
All we ask in return is that they not act like a bunch of assholes. Just be cool. But now… well now that agreement is null and void all thanks to this Big Dick Rick. Jumping on people, biting them, scratching them. Just being a real cock sucker. So now that the agreement is no more, consider squirrels fair game. We gotta go out there and set the tone. Let them know that this kind of behavior doesn’t fly around here. Hope they’re hungry for a few Goodyear sandwiches.”
Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you. Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign. Load the chopper, let it rain on you. We’ve tried to be civil. We’ve done nothing but give squirrels second chance after second chance. I’ve been wanting these mother fuckers to go extinct since the day I was born but they were always too far down the food chain to be worth the fight. But now they’re basically begging us to speed up the process. You attack 5 people in the park, that makes you a terrorist. What do we do to terrorists? We hunt you down and kill the shit out of you. So the time is now. We are officially at war and until further notice, we’re gonna be doin one thing and one thing only–killing squirrels.