Having An Alarm Clock Stuck In Your Wall That Goes Off At The Same Time Every Night For 13 Years Sounds Like Hell On Earth

CBS Pittsburgh- All is calm in a quiet house on a peaceful street in the tranquil township of Ross – until the walls come alive with the sound of a 13-year-old alarm clock. “I’ll show you where this started out from, why it was convenient,” says homeowner Jerry Lynn, climbing the stairs to the second floor. “Or why I thought it was convenient at the time.”

He says he dropped the clock, tied to a string, through an air vent. Set to go off ten minutes later, it would let him know where to punch a hole in the living room wall to pass a wire through for a TV hookup. “As I was laying it down, all of a sudden I heard it go ‘thunk!’ as it came loose,” he said. “I thought, well, that’s not a real problem. You know it’s still going to go off. And it did.”

He couldn’t pull it back up, but figured, “Maybe, three-four months it’ll run out of battery. That was in September of 2004. It is still going off every day. And during daylight savings time it goes off at ten minutes ’til eight. And during standard time it goes off at ten minutes to seven at night.”

I know that KFC has long been the person to induct people into the #Mailtime Hall of Fame, so I would like to at least nominate Jerry Lynn for the honor of joining that hallowed internet temple. You have to be a special kind of lazy and apathetic to let the same alarm blare every single day for 13 YEARS without punching a hole through the wall or going on a murderous rampage. Truly inspirational shit. I have used songs on my iPhone as alarms for maybe a week or so and learned to despise those songs just because I associate them with an alarm. “I Got You Babe” sent shivers down my spine after one viewing of Groundhog Day. And I’m pretty sure that ISIS uses this video as torture on their prisoners.

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Being able to withstand the same alarm every night tells me that Jerry is either mentally stronger than Jesus and Gandhi combined or he is a complete psycho that has a stash of bodies chopped up in his freezer.

Also shout out to Sylvia Lynn for etching her face on everyone’s Mount Rushmore of ideal wives. If Sylvia couldn’t muster up the energy to give Jerry some serious nagging to get that shit fixed, do the “I’ll handle it myself” move that inevitably gets shitty husbands like me and Jerry off our asses, or the ultimatum that it was her or the alarm clock after the first decade or so of beeping, she should be nominated for Sainthood.

Either that or Jerry has an absolute hammer between his legs. But something tells me this isn’t the face of Pittsburgh’s pre-eminent cocksmith.

P.S. The pun play of that reporter was something out of the 1950. Settle the fuck down Cronkite and just give me the story of the maniac that could eat an alarm every single day for 13 years.