Dude Arrested After Trying To Float To Canada On An Air Mattress To See His Girlfriend

(Source) — A Maine man was arrested after authorities say he tried to cross into Canada without legal authorization on an air mattress, according to multiple reports. Border patrol officials detained 25-year-old John Michael Bennett after he took an inflatable mattress across the St. Croix River to New Brunswick Wednesday, the Portland Press Herald reports. Bennett was reportedly found walking down a road, dripping wet. The Calais resident plead guilty Thursday to crossing into Canada illegally. He says he was motivated by love and that he was trying to protect his pregnant fiancée from a violent ex-boyfriend.

When I first read the tweet from whence this story came it made total and perfect sense to me, “Man floats on air mattress to Canada in order to see his girlfriend,” I get that. Cubans used to float to America on rafts that Chuck Noland would scoff at and guess what? There weren’t even people here who would have sex with them once their feet hit sand. They were merely fleeing extreme poverty and a dictator. What would you rather have, freedom or sex? You didn’t even think about it, damn right it’s the sex.

But, once I got to the part about protecting a pregnant fiancee from a violent ex-boyfriend I kinda started to waver on being team John Michael Bennett (also that sounds too much like John Benet Ramsey to be normal). That just sounds like “my girlfriend in Canada” story that wasn’t being believe so you went deeper into the lie.

“No no, officer, it’s OK. I’m visiting my… girlfriend… in New Brunswick”

*officers look at him inquisitively and have a chuckle*

“She’s pregnant… and, ummmmm… and she’s got a violent ex who I must protect her from!”

*officers shove the virgin in the back of a squad car and lock him up*

Plus, if all that is true then it reminds me of when Michael Scott was on the phone with David Wallace arguing about faxing something over. “Oh, well if it’s important then email it, David.” Well if your mission was actually important, John Michael, then you should’ve chosen a mode of transportation better than “the thing I sleep on in the kitchen when I visit my friend’s beach house in the summer.”

PS – Our boy is getting 2 months in jail then being deported for this. What was all that “Canada is accepting of all immigrants” stuff about, Trudeau?