NFL Monday Morning Rewind

Big Cat 12/16/2013 11:34 AM

 

Congrats to Peyton Manning, Pizza Salesman, Regular Season Ace, and One-And Done Playoff Pro. Can’t wait for the eventual Bronco’s loss in January and Manning apologists to blame it on the Defense.

 

Anwyay, here we are Week 15 in the books, we have barely any sandwich left. This is a reminder, cherish the last 2 weeks. Soon it’s playoffs and then it’s no football forever and we all might as well be dead.

 

 

The games…

 

Redskins 26 (3-11), Falcons 27 (4-10)

And you thought no one cared about the 3 win Redskins vs the 4 win Falcons. HA! Handmade full piece suits custom made just for the occasion. It’s on.

 

And by on I mean Kirk Cousins played well because newsflash, a pocket quarterback is probably better than a running quarterback who can no longer run. Look at you Bob.

 

Totally going to have to put a nickel in the swear jar.

 

Bears 38 (8-6), Browns 31 (4-10)

 

Hi Haters

 

The Browns looked like they might actually pull an upset and then two things happened.

1. Jason Campbell reminded everyone that he is in fact still Jason Campbell.

 

And 2) Alshon…

Sorry Browns fans, I do have a tremendous soft spot for you guys, maybe next year but probably not.

 

Shout out to these Bears fans, always tough to go topless during bulking season.

 

Texans 3 (2-12), Colts 25 (9-5)

Should we start Matt Schaub and lose by pick 6 or Case Keenum and lose with fumbles and safeties? Let’s roll with Case, feeling lucky/that we’ll keep it within 22 points.

 

Patriots 20 (10-4), Dolphins 24 (8-6)

DOINK!

 

The Patriots continued the theme of Sunday, which was every single AFC team with Super Bowl aspirations losing winnable games to make the playoff picture a muddled disaster. And Dolphins fans, well they got lap dances and a possibility of Ryan Tannehill in the playoffs.

 

 

Eagles 30 (8-6), Vikings 48 (4-9)

 

The Eagles win the weekly award for team to ruin everyone in America’s teaser.

 

Also Desean Jackson won the award for guy most likely to tell his teammates he doesn’t give a fuck for the 10,000th time.

…
And if you are the guy that spot started Matt Asiati in the fantasy playoffs kindly punch yourself in the balls for being a lucky piece of shit.

Seahawks 23 (12-2), Giants 0 (5-9)

 

Eli Manning, a game within the season, ready, GO!

…

   

 

 

Meanwhile on the other side of the field Russell Wilson is taking mouth shots in slow mo.

 

… 49ers 33 (10-4), Buccaneers 14 (4-10)   Culture Change starts with kickoffs guys!

And for some reason Vernon Davis thought it would be a good idea to Gus Frerrotte himself.

 

 

    Bills 27 (5-9), Jaguars 20 (4-10)  

Breaking News – The Jaguars can still make the playoffs!!!

 

 

 

  Breaking Breaking News – No they can’t.

 

   

 

2-3-2 on your 7 point playoff scenario scheme is pretty good though right?

 

   

 

Meanwhile, in the stands we had a HEATED competition for most depressing fanbase.   In one corner you have 1 tooth Jaguar fan wearing an awesome Jaguar shirt

 

 

 

And the other you have a Bills fan so drunk that the Jaguars fans punked his face off. …

  …  

Point, Jaguar fans  

Chiefs 56 (11-3), Raiders 31 (4-10)  

Every year come fantasy playoffs one player does something out of this world and single handily wins leagues for his owners. That person in 2013? Jamaal Charles.

 

 

 

If you had Jamaal Charles you won, if you played against him you lost. It doesn’t matter who else you had or how else your season went. These are facts and the main reason why I hate fantasy football.

 

  Jets 20 (6-8), Panthers 30 (10-4)

 

NFL refs doing a bang up job.  

…
Does anyone else absolutely hate Cam’s towel head schtick. It shouldn’t bother me, it really shouldn’t, but it totally does. I don’t know why I just can’t fucking stand it. A towel isn’t a hoodie Cam, figure it out.
…
Sadness.

Packers 37 (7-6), Cowboys 36 (7-7)  

 

Hey guys, break it up and by break it up I mean please don’t anyone punch me in my fat face.

 

 

 

 

/Checks Calendar, see’s that it is December.   Yup….

And while Tony Romo was blowing yet another December game Kyle Orton with his fab hair was on the sideline waiting to get the call.
There’s nothing sadder than wasted talent and the Cowboys are currently wasting all of Kyle’s talents.

Cardinals 37 (9-5), Titans 34 (5-9) RYAN FITZPATRICK!  

RYAN FITZPATRICK!

 

Saints 16 (10-4), Rams 27 (6-8)

 

Hey Honey, check out that fake grass over there it looks just like our fake grass!

 

   

 

And the Saints are team 2 to ruin everyone’s teases. So if you were extra lucky you teased the Eagles in the early games, lost, then tried to win your money back by teasing the Saints in the late games.  

 

Bengals 20 (9-5), Steelers 30 (6-8)

 

You sir, are correct.

 

   

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And now that we are done with that, back to Monday Morning.  

…

 

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