Woman Having Videoed Sex with Two Teenage Boys in a War Memorial Bathroom is the Florida-est Story Ever

Florida woman accused of sex with underage boys in public bathroom https://t.co/c5ZmpwT6ez pic.twitter.com/eUcoAZqs0C

— The Palm Beach Post (@pbpost) February 13, 2017

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Florida – An Ocala Police Department detective arrested a 28-year-old woman on suspicion of having sex with underage boys in a public bathroom.

Maria Lynn Baker was arrested by Detective Melissa Buetti early Saturday morning on two counts of lewd and lascivious battery — based in part on video evidence — after the suspect declined to talk with Buetti about the allegations.

Baker, who was listed as homeless … called the agency on Friday night to snitch on the juveniles before they told on her. Baker, however, did not tell officers what the boys had supposedly done.

An officer went to West Silver Springs Boulevard and Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue, where Baker and another woman were arguing. The woman … showed the officer a video of Baker having sex with a boy. The officer detained her, and Baker told the officer that she was going to jail anyway so he should arrest her, according to OPD.

Buetti learned that Baker was having sex with two 12- to 14-year-old boys inside a bathroom at the War Memorial, 1501 W. Silver Springs Blvd., according to OPD officials.

This might be the most Florida story ever to hit the news. It just has everything. Homeless women with apartments and cell phones. A callback to the legendary Chris Rock bit, “Call anyone and say ‘I’m on Martin Luther King Blvd.’ and they’ll say ‘Get out of there! That’s a bad neighborhood!!!’ They don’t even ask what city you’re in!” And of course, sex with underage boys in the bathroom of a war memorial. Maria Lynn Baker’s smirking, unrepentant mug should be put on the official seal of the great state of Florida.

And naturally, I deeply regret she didn’t get into education, because she would have been one of the great Sex Scandal Teachers of all time. All cleaned up. A little less meth addicty. But with that same never say die, never say a kid is too young, never say a location is too disrespectful to our war dead attitude. But life leads people down different path. Some women hear the calling and become a teacher, some choose to skip college, go right into a life of government checks, WIC cheese, using your EBT card at the liquor store and meeting their underage sex hookups in public bathrooms. But fortunately for the 12- and 14-year-olds living in America’s Wang, depravity in Florida knows no socio-economic boundaries.