Very Advanced Dildos, Strap-Ons, And Butt Plugs Have Been Found In 2,000 Year Old Tombs

(Source) — In case you thought that life in the olden days was dull, scientists have just unearthed a bunch of massive metal strap-on dildos in tombs from ancient China. The bronze dildos are particularly eye-opening – they’re massive strap-ons, which could be worn (probably at parties or other special occasions). ‘We are even displaying two hollow bronze phalluses that could be worn and used,” says exhibition co-curator Fan Zhang. ‘Useable bronze dildos are still relatively rare finds, though far from unheard of, and they are occasionally found in elite tombs. ‘They were all definitely made for use, and we can speculate based on their various bases how they were worn. They’re all bespoke, and the ones we have here might have been laced into place with leather or silk thongs, though it’s not clear if they were designed for men or women – they’re not heavy at all – though the phallus without the ring form was likely for a man since it was found in a king’s tomb.

You think the Great Wall (thanks to Matt Damon, it’s still standing) was China’s most impressive contribution to engineering? No, no, no, friends. These sons of bitches invented the strap-on 2,000 years ago and that’s been FAR more important to society than some stupid, giant wall. Butt-plugs too. You think the Greeks were all about anal but I didn’t see any phallic pieces of metal that you’re supposed to shove up your ass preserved in the ashes of Mount Vesuvius.

I guess this discovery should kind of surprise me but at the same time it doesn’t at all. It doesn’t for two reasons.

1. It’s Asia and Asian people love weird sex stuff. That obsession had to come from somewhere and I’m not surprised those seeds or perversion were sowed thousands of years ago.

2. People are always going to be working hard on sex inventions because that’s all anyone cares about. Still today we see things like talking fuck robots with warm vaginas and think, “If you’re so smart why aren’t you trying to do something important rather than create sex toys for weird dudes who can’t talk to girls? Go fix global warming or something,” but this is the way people are. Given the opportunity to spend money to save the world or purchase a slightly realistic hole to stick our dicks in/slightly realistic dick to stick in our hole, we’re gonna choose the toy every time. That’s tangible. That’s something we can hold or feel or fuck or whatever. Trying to save the world and cure disease? Who knows if that’s even going to work, but that toy is definitely gonna get you off.

So yeah, at first this is kinda like “Wowwwwww, who knew they used to get down like that?” but in 2,000 years when the world is an apocalyptic mess they’re gonna dig up silicone sex dolls and think, “Why didn’t they focus on global warming,” before they realize, “You know what? I don’t blame them. This thing is pretty sweet.”