Is It Really That Hard To Find An Adequate Intern To Slave Away At Barstool In 2017?
Literally 5 seconds after these Tweets:
Barstool 101 logic if I’ve ever seen it. Bonus points for replacing the question mark with an exclamation point when applying for, well, anything.
Look, I’m not a greedy man. Up until I moved to this shit city I drove a 2003 shit Saab that literally froze up from the inside out. Christ, I’ve eaten canned tuna for a meal, including breakfast, more times than any human in developed country should ever admit. I simply don’t give a single FUCK about being on the wrong side of 30 and owning one ill-fitted suit along with black shoes not even fit for the finest of Applebees servers. Is it too much to ask to get a decent Intern like everyone else in this damn office? Now, I guess I should have stated I’m looking more for a social media wizard/producer/bitchwork type guy to help with the behind the scenes aspects of a couple projects we’re launching (s/o to Barstool Drive Time)…but then again, did I really? I thought there’d be at least a couple of mature folk in the bunch who could come in to help the cause. I thought wrong. Here’s a snippet of what I’ve been going through to find my precious.
Lester came in for an interview this morning and I hit him with “You know you’re gonna be ‘The Black Guy’ here by default. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s gonna happen.” Haven’t heard from him since.
Murder Ball mixed with Love Shack. I somehow don’t hate that idea as much as I should.
Straight to the point in the mix of a million and one emails from a random hotmail account with no other contact information. Sometimes you just have to sit back and respect this generation.
ME SCUZI!!! Our lovable sleezeball Giovanni is back, baby! A somewhat less funny attempt than his first effort (seen here), but the pizzaz is there. Keep on continue to sex.
Vinny. Rocco. Merino. This South Philly Guido reeks of hoagies, a gold cross around his neck he hasn’t removed since elementary school, and a gambling debt that’s going to be passed on his next 40+ years of decedents. And I LOVE it.
Sweet effort, brah. Hired.
You know what? Tip of the cap to your Mom’s Box, my friend.
Can’t have someone on staff that’s going to die at the exact same time as myself, which is exactly what will happen while watching this damn team. Need someone to carry on the hate torch.
Again, very interesting approach.
That’s it. No text. No resume. Just “All Hail Lord Smitty” in the subject line and this picture of Bruce Jenner in his pre-female prime. And it’s somehow more applicable to this job than 95% of the emails.
[Edit: FUCK. ME. Looks like a great reference slipped by goalie Smitty here, and I hate myself for it. Good work, young chap. Interview granted.]
Another email with no text, resume, or contact information. Just three random photos and two links to Springsteen related material. The sad part is if he cut out the pics he would’ve been hired on the spot.
Sorry, Abdalla, but you’ve gotta be willing to toss salads grown from any cabbage patch to make it in this field. What if EDP is in the office and his full moon needs to be cleaned? I expect my intern to ask one thing and one thing only: “Jelly, or syrup?”
Who needs literacy when you ate pizza? Solid look for the emergency services of Philadelphia, too. Your EMT may not be able to write a dire medical report to save your life, but at least he drink beers well.
Um…sup? The most amazing part of this email is that it came from an Aol.com account. Or come to think of it, that makes perfect sense. Regardless, maybe Ashley and my former girlfriend Barstool Idol Amy could come back together as a tag team. I’d lose my job within a week, but hey, there have been worse ways to fall from glory.
And that’s that. The search continues so if you want in – “All Hail Lord Smitty” to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com. Looking to lock something down by the end of the week so the sooner the more delicious.