Ebony The Security Guard Is Gone

Sometimes special people come into your life. When you least expect it. Where you least expect it. From who you least expect.

Well my special person was Ebony, the security guard. She was my girl. She was Feits’ girl. She was Ria’s girl. She was DEFINITELY Sophie Julia’s girl. (I don’t think Ebony discriminated in that department.) Ebony was our security guard in so many more ways than 1. Did she physically protect us from people coming into the building? No, no she did not. But did she protect us from the shitty, negative, outside world? Yes. Yes she did. Ebony was QUICK to hit you with the day changing compliment. Whether it was your hair, your shoes, your clothes, whatever – Ebony was the person everyone looked forward to seeing the most. Riggs and Smitty planned on making her a regular in their videos. I planned on making her a daily franchise – Ebony Sneaker Reviews. I actually have a pair of womens size 7.5 Jordan 12s currently being shipped that I was going to give her this week. She was a superstar in the making. A star that shined so bright and so brilliant that not even the world of Barstool could handle her.

Kmarko was afraid that including her in his power rankings somehow got her fired. I was convinced that a video of her dusting off my shoes somehow contributed to this turn of events. That felt pseudo racist and wildly inappropriate. But we may never know why Ebony was taken from us.

Where has Ebony gone? Where will she go? Was Ebony even real? Shes like Barstool’s Bagger Vance.An apparition to help you get through life. She’s like Mr. Robot. Your subconscious coming to life. You will be missed, Ebony.

And I will be selling your Jordans on eBay.