The Official Podfathers Six Pack - Top 6 Things You ACTUALLY Need When You Have A Kid
Subscribe, Rate and Review The Podfathers on iTunes
So we’re 2 episodes into Podfathers – the biggest smash hit piece of entertainment in parenting history. I’m probably not even exaggerating that. And theres obviously so much to cover, and so many different families and so many different kids, that its hard to make a podcast or write a blog or compile a list of things that applies to each and every situation. But, there are some things that are universal. Some things I’ve learned along the way in my brief stint of fatherhood so far that I can tell you are absolutely IMPERATIVE. Things that every dad and mom will need. This is the Podfathers Six Pack. 6 things you gotta have to survive your first days of parenting.
The Top 6 Things You ACTUALLY Need When You Have A Kid
1. Booze
And lots of it. I mean how else are you supposed to get the baby to go to sleep? Just kidding. Dont give your kid booze. At least not that much of it. But definitely give it to yourself and your wife. A glass (bottle) of wine at night is just about the only thing that will keep you and your girl sane.
2. Red Bull/Caffeine/Cocaine
Ok just joking again about that cocaine part. But those 5 hour energies? That dark roasted black coffee? Dave’s Adderall rX. Whatever you can get your hands on in order to wake up the Walking Dead corpse that you call your body.
3. Big, bright, electronic Screens that play mindless entertaining shit for your kids
Give me allllll the bright screens. Give them to me. I’m talking iPhones, I’m talking laptops, I’m talking tablets. I’m even talking about those Androids that might explode. Its worth the risk if it means they will be happy, quiet and entertained. I pick up my daughter at 6pm. She goes to bed at 7pm. I probably put on 53 minutes of Youtube videos for her. I give it a solid, honest 7 minutes of effort trying to entertain her with books and games and she doesnt like ANY of that shit. Put on the Lion King Hakuna Matata for 53 minutes? Shes happy and quiet and Daddy can enjoy Point Number 1. Dont care if she grows up to be a “vidiot.” Dont care if she grows up to be blind. We’re living day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. If Simba can raise my kid, so be it.
4. Sophie
This fucking thing? This rubber giraffe?
Go buy 160,000 of them. I dont know why. It doesnt make any sense. But every human baby loves Sophie. They know her name. The squeeze it they chew it they sleep with it. I’ll pass kids in the street and they’re like “MOM THEY HAVE SOPHIE TOO!” Its crazy man. Sophie’s got these little motherfuckers passing out in the streets. Shout out to whoever invented Sophie. They’re probably on a yacht in the Mediterranean next to Leo Dicaprio.
5. Zip Up Onesies
All zip EVERYTHING. Zip it from the tip of their toes to their chin and you’re done. Its a beautiful thing. Trying to put clothes on a kid is like trying to catch a greased pig. Squirming and kicking and flailing around like the goddam inflatable man at a car wash. Its like wack-a-mole. You get one limb in there and the other pops out. So, whoever decided “Lets put 575 buttons on this thing and have them snap their squirming worm-baby into their clothes!” is a fucking asshole. Go to Carter’s, get every zip up onesie in sizes 0-3, 3-6. 6-9 and 9-12. Cumulatively you will save hundreds of hours of time. All in you probably waste like a week of your life trying to snap your kids clothes on.
6. Pacifiers
The Binky. The Paci. Whatever you call it. Gotta have it. Fuck what the doctors say. Fuck what the experts say. You know what? They’re probably right. Its absolutely a bad habit. At some point down the road youre gonna have a kid addicted to pacifiers and you’ll have to take it away and it will be a disaster. But right now, for the time being, when you pop that pacifier back in they go right back to sleep. And unless you wanna rely on point number 2 too often, you need that sleep. And when you’re hungover from point number 1, you will do whatever it takes to keep that kid calm. Get 900 pacis. Have them ready to go at all times. In your bag, in the car, all over the crib. If your kid is still suckin on one when they’re like 12, so be it. Id rather have a weird 12 year old than a screaming 12 month old.
?We could keep the list going. We could add nannies and couples counselors and prescriptions for anti-depressants but lets start with those 6. The Podfathers Six Pack brought to you by life being really difficult once you’re responsible for someone else’s.
Episode 1 – Early Pregnancy Test
Episode 2 – Nine and a Half Months