Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Battle of #1 vs #2” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
We’ve got ourselves another helping of Friday afternoon EPL soccer to feast our eyeballs upon today so I’ll keep the intro short, but before getting to the good stuff there’s one thing worth taking a quick look at. I’ve been posting blogs for about two and a half years at this point. I don’t have the precise statistics but when they first started going up during the lead-up to the 2014 World Cup roughly 97% to 98% of comments were some variation of “soccers gey bro” and/or “do less” and/or “why dont yu right about a real sport pussy”……. so with that as the backdrop, kudos to pdidz for flagging this gaggle of comments from last weekend’s preview:
I don’t necessarily agree with all of the responses (and Liverpool fans not having caught on yet that I troll them not out of fear but rather because they make it so damn easy), but anybody who has been reading these posts for a while will appreciate that this collection of actual soccer-related comments (even butthurty ones from Reds – or even Red Devils – fans) suggests that jogo bonito has come a long way at Barstool.
Anyway, that’s enough circle jerking for one day. Everton vs Palace kickoff coming at us pretty quick so let’s get to the good stuff…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Reminder of what happened last weekend:
News, notes, observations and highlights:
– Some impressive performances to highlight but none more so than Arsenal mushroom tattooing Chelsea’s face on Saturday. This was the second and prettiest of the three goals, and it is emblematic of the total dominance with which the Blues were dispatched.
The result begs the question: is Chelsea really any good? They followed up three pretty “mehhhhhhh” wins (West Ham, Watford, Burnley) with a hugely disappointing draw (Swansea) and have now been thoroughly embarrassed while taking two L’s in a row (Liverpool, Arsenal). Needless to say, Conte has his work cut out for him.
– Second most impressive performance of the weekend goes to United, though one can’t help wondering how much of the final score was attributable to the home team and how much was simply because of a woeful effort from Leicester. This is a club that was absolutely lightly out defending set pieces this season… and yet they gave up three goals – THREE GOALS – off corner kicks alone. Yikes.
– City is pretty good
– Recap of Liverpool vs Hull:
Which reminds me of my favorite annual tradition: the week when Liverpool fans en masse decide their beloved are “definitely” going to win the league this year, and can’t wait to tell you about how exciting Coutinho and Firmino are, and how much Lallana and Henderson have improved, and how Klopp’s defensive pressure will more than make up for huge holes at the back… and, oh by the way, “have I mentioned that Liverpool is definitely going to win the league this season? I mean, Did you see them kill so-and-so [in this case Hull City] last week?!?”
Indeed, a tradition unlike any other. And gotta give the Reds some credit, they had a seriously rough opening stretch to the season, which they sailed through surprisingly well. And Coutinho and Firmino ARE exciting, and Lallana and Henderson HAVE improved. But sober Liverpool fans think they are smelling a title run with that defense you are drunker than Uncle Chaps after his 79th wine cooler. (PS: you were only up one goal when Hull went down to 10-men, so try keeping that offensive outburst in some perspective.)
– Updated prognosis on Harry Kane is that he could be back in at least as 2-3 weeks, though he might as well take his time rehabbing because Tottenham has the world’s greatest Good Korean filling in admirably at the moment:
– Srsly, who murdered West Ham and Stoke? Sunderland has an excuse (they kinda suck), but the Hammers and especially Potters are an embarrassment to professional soccer at the moment. The good news is one of them has a very winnable game this weekend. The other… may look down from heaven as its dead corpse is used and abused.
– Speaking of Sunderland, kudos to the Black Cats for finding a new way to crush their fans’ souls. Everybody thought they hit rock getting spanked every game, then they took a 2-0 lead against Palace, forcing a small smile onto even the most grizzled fan’s face… then squandered the lead, conceding three straight goals and losing in even more heartbreaking fashion. If you know a Sunderland buy them a stiff drink and give them a hug… because the next seven or eight months are going to suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
– Everton finally experienced an extremely Evertonian-like letdown game. T’was only a matter of time.
Anyway, after six games here is how things look:
As for the games on deck, here’s what we got:
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PICKS OF THE WEEK
While there are a number of “interesting” and/or “important” games on deck, there is really only one “good” one – that being #1 visiting #2:
Tottenham [+210]
City [+120]
Draw [+245]
City had a habit of handing Tottenham’s its own ass in recent years, however, last season (see directly above) witnessed a sudden reversal of fortune. This time around both clubs come in missing important puzzle pieces – Harry Kane on one end and Kevin De Bruyne on the other – which one can’t help but think may end up being a bigger miss for the visitors.
This one boils down to the league’s best offense up against the league’s best defense. Spurs won at home 4-1 last season, but if that scoreline pops up again this time around you can be DAMN sure it is the hosts on the losing end. Something more like 1-0 would suit Tottenham quite nicely, particularly given Vincent Janssen’s recent proclivity for dickballing (ie, not doing much of anything) up top. If KDB were around I’d likely City a slight edge, and [PLEASE NOTE] this pick is predicated on the Spurs’ having their full complement of defenders available (meaning Danny Rose and Eric Dier are good to go), but assuming that is the case then I’m going 1-1 draw.
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West Ham [+110]
Middlesbrough [+245]
Draw [+215]
West Ham is dead. Deader than dead. Whatever the next level down from dead, that’s what West Ham is right now. They got shoved in a locker at home in front of their own fans and wives and children and mums last weekend, losing 3-0 to Southampton in a game they barely even showed up for. Even more embarrassingly, the home side is dependent on Simone Zaza to be an important component of their strike force. Now THAT is rock bottom. They have one thing that Middlesbrough, which comes in relatively healthy but without a win since mid-August, simply cannot match though: the fear of losing and having to face a livid Slaven Bilic in the dressing room afterwards. There are two rules I live my life by: always buy the foaming soap and never ever piss off a Croatian. Those dudes are nuts. West Ham to win 2-1.
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Other picks:
• LOCK OF THE WEEK: Everton [-140] is in bounce back mode after having an off night last week against Bournemouth, and face a Palace [+380] side that did they damndest to lose to Blunderland last weekend. They even had the gall to celebrate the win rather than apologizing to their fans for having almost lost. Everton to 3-1.
• Watford [+135] looked listless in losing to Burnley on Monday – but here’s the rub: that was on the road and this week’s matchup with Bournemouth [+210] is at Vicarage Road, where Deeney, Ighalo and company are a different team [reference: the recent 3-1 ass whooping of United]. Watford to win 2-0.
• Remember when I said one of the newly deceased clubs had a winnable game and one didn’t? Yeah, Stoke [+900] got the short end of the stick once again. Not sure how long Mark Hughes can hang on to his job at this rate, though waltzing into his old stomping grounds and coming away from Old Trafford with three points would certainly help. There are no two ways about it, Stoke has STUNK. They have been awful defensively and atrocious going forward. If soccer had special teams they would have sucked at that too. However, as nonsensical as it may sound, I don’t hate Stoke’s chances in this one. They have the talent to play with United, which aside from the lopsided win over Leicester (beautified by three corner kick goals) has looked disjointed. In fact, I’ll say this puppy comes down to one factor: does Wayne Rooney start? I even made a handy dandy flow chart to help guide your betting decisions…
Long story short, if Rooney is in the XI then I’m loving the odds on Stoke, especially if they are being offered at +1/2 or even +1 goal – though for posterity’s sake I’ll say 2-2 draw.
[If, on the other hand, Rooney is out of the XI then I’ll say United to win 2-1… though full disclosure I’ll probably dabble a little on Stoke since you don’t often get odds that good for a team with that much talent, regardless of how painfully awful they have been playing lately.]
• Hull is in freefall and Chelsea just got pounded by Arsenal, losing whatever newfound confidence the club had built up to start the season. Blues just too talented though. Chelsea to win 2-1.
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REST OF THE WORLD
Germany: Battle of North American stars in Germany this weekend as Bayer and Chicarito face off against Dortmund and Pulisic on Saturday (11:30am CT on FS2).
Italy: Milan vs Sassuolo on Sunday (11am on beIN Sports)
Spain: Valenthia versus Atletico on Sunday (5am on beIN en Espanol)
‘Merica: Orlando shot themselves in the foot with a midweek draw that has their backs squarely up against the wall to make the playoffs. Must-win (note: not can’t-lose) scenario for the club. In the second nationally televised game on Sunday, Seattle is [barely] on the inside looking out while Vancouver is all but eliminated from contention.
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So there you have it. Check y’all next week.
Holler,
Sam U. L. Army