I'd Like To Announce That I Have Switched My Stance And Am Now Very Much Team Lochte

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

I, John Feitelberg, am officially Team Lochte. As more and more details are released, my mind has changed. I reserve the right to do that. Earlier, I made fun of Lochte and mocked him a fair deal. We all did. Lochte’s an easy target on account of being the dangerous combination of dumb, handsome, rich, and famous. He’s exactly the kind of guy we like to make fun of. But, now that CNN is saying they went to the bathroom and there was no damage and TMZ is reporting that the only damage was a cracked sandwich sign (which who knows if they even did it? It’s Rio, after all), I’m here to stick up for my mans with the fire hair.

So he left out the part where they peed behind a building (that is where the athletes said they were pissing, not on a bathroom floor). He exaggerated how close the gun was to his head. He probably made up the fact that he said, “Whatever.” None of those are exactly earth-shattering lies. That’s how drunken stories are told, and it’s why drunken stories are the best kind: details are hazy so you kinda just fill those spots with awesome lines. Remember when Costanza thinks of the jerk store comeback and wishes he used it? That’s what a drunk tale is. You lived something, and then you get to edit it a little bit.

But the nuts and bolts of Lochte’s story are real. He had guns drawn on him by fake cops and was forced to give them money. Rio and Lochte agree on that. So why the hell is everyone clowning him for making up a lie? He didn’t lie. He omitted a few parts, but he didn’t lie (do not listen to your girlfriend or mother, omissions are not lies). That’s a fucking robbery. If you’ve got a gun pointed at you and you’re being told to hand over your money then I hate to break it to you, but you’re in the process of being robbed. They ended up getting robbed twice, in fact, since some of the guys got taken off a plane and Jimmy Feigen paid $11k to what I’m sure is a very bullshit charity just so he could leave the country.

For those reasons I have come to my sense and support Ryan Lochte 100%.

Thank you for your time.