The Hustle On This Guy To Get Himself A Mannequin Girlfriend Is Top Notch

The trail of sex toys he left in his wake did in Arthur Ray Brown. Police in Silverdale, Wash., say that’s how they tracked the 24-year-old man riding his bicycle away from the local Lovers adult store after he returned to scene of his alleged crime of passion. Brown is charged with shoplifting a store mannequin (the top half, anyway), then returning that night to smash a window to steal lingerie for his new steady, along with other items. It seemed like the perfect crime: The thief was wearing the mannequin’s wig during the second raid. “I guess he couldn’t get the real thing,” said customer Jessica Harris.

Jesus Christ man, pump the brakes. Like I get stealing a mannequin girlfriend, that’s kind of cool, not my cup of tea but I understand it. Mannequin girlfriends don’t complain, they don’t have their period, they don’t bitch at you when you’ve had a few too many beers and lost all your money gambling. They let you use all their holes without having to beg or take them out to dinner. Overall a pretty good deal. But let’s slow down on going back to the store a second time to steal sexy lingerie. A working set of mannequin legs? Sure. But gifts and presents after 1 day of knowing your mannequin girlfriend? That’s just trying WAY too hard. Maybe fire off a few rounds, get that horny level down just a bit before you start wearing wigs and smashing windows trying to dress up your new mannequin girlfriend in a french maid outfit. Jerking off to clear your head isn’t a bad thing bro, everyone does it, otherwise we’d all be running around trying to fuck each other’s mannequin girlfriends, complete lawlessness.

PS

“Why would you steal a mannequin, just go get the real thing”

Thanks Jessica. Shot in the dark here, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but if you’re stealing mannequins and leaving a trail of sex toys in public, odds are you’re not exactly a social butterfly.