If You Were Kidnapped And Had To Pick Characters From A TV Show To Save You, Which Show Would You Pick?
So a Stoolie tweeted this at me the other day and I think it’s a pretty good question. The guys discussed it on KFC Radio this week, but I think it needs to be fleshed out. The first few answers that immediately popped into my head were movie characters, which I am sure is because that’s just how movies work. 2+ hours of a hero saving the day. But obviously that’s another question for another time. Most TV shows have a wide array of characters
My first answer was Jack Bauer and Co. from 24. Even though he isn’t batting 1.000 when it comes to saving people’s lives, he is an indestructible badass that will stop at nothing to save you. But Jack usually needs the people at CTU to help out, and that place is the most corrupt place on the planet. So I have to cross them off.
I had a few suggestions on Twitter which included:
The gang from Always Sunny: If I could WATCH another group try to rescue someone from a kidnapping, I would choose them because it would be hilarious. But you are probably going to die if they are looking to rescue you, because those people literally only care about themselves. Except for Charlie. But he is so easiliy corrupted. Just look at what they have done to Rickety Cricket over the course of a series. He went from this very happy priest:
To this sick son of a bitch that has participated in a dog threesome orgy:
So yeah, the Always Sunny team is out.
The A-Team: Definitely a great choice. I mean look, Mr. T doesn’t even have a shirt on! The definition of badass. But I feel like all great kidnapping escapes are solved by a one-person breakout attempt. Too many things can go wrong with a team. Plus I barely remember anything about the A-Team other than Mr. T’s character being scared of flying like a pussy.
Alex Mack: Probably my favorite submission for a few reasons. She has super powers. Always comes out the winner. And oh yeah, I had the biggest crush on her growing up because it always felt like she was hot but attainable. I would be more than fine playing a remixed, 21st century damsel in distress for Alex Mack.
Some other options I thought of (yes I wrote most of this blog thinking you could pick just one character, not an entire show because my reading skills are poor):
Walker Texas Ranger: You have to include Chuck Norris on any list when it comes to heroes. But if we are being honest, I never watched a minute of Walker Texas Ranger when it was on TV, so I can’t blindly put my life in his hands. In fact, the only clip I have ever seen of the show is this scene
Khaleesi: I had to include at least one choice from Game of Thrones, so I went with Daenerys Stormborn. Like any straight, red-blooded male, I love me some Khaleesi. Sexy, strong and just as fuck. Justice oozing out of her pores. Plus three dragons to take care of business. Her fatal flaw is that she doesn’t seem like the most motivated person in the world considering she just sits a half a world away from the Iron Throne. Like she would embark on a journey to rescue me and then try to fix world hunger and poor working conditions in China before remembering my dumb ass being held hostage.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Has overcome staggering odds countless times and would be a blast to hang out with afterwards. But you can never fully trust anyone that sold out and teamed up with Vince McMahon, even if it was years ago.
CT: The baddest dude in Challenge history at his peak, I had to put CT on this list somewhere. He has mellowed out a bunch since then, but still can ramp it up when it matters. Strikes me as a dude that would do anything for his friends. And if you don’t think I’m adding a gif of the Bananas Backpack to this blog, you don’t know anything about me.
Macgyver: You have to respect what Macgyver can do. The man makes chicken salad out of chicken shit every episode. But you have to question why he always gets stuck in spots where he has to make an explosive out of a saltine, shampoo and a watch. That hurts his case.
Heisenberg: Heisenberg is a badass version of Macgyer, only using science. The only problem is that Heisenberg’s heart is black as coal and probably wouldn’t care if you survived if it didn’t help him in the end.
But my choice is…
Omar Little: Coolest, baddest dude ever on TV. Can wield a shotgun with the best of them. Has a code. And once he rescued me, I would just bother him with questions and stories about The Wire like every other white person probably does.
Also, when it comes to movie character, my answer is John McClane a million times out of a million.