There Are People Who Exist On This Earth That Think Dunkin Donuts Makes Good Food?

This morning I had my first doctor’s appointment in roughly forever, and things didn’t go well. My doctor gave me an MD’s version of “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed… also you’re fat.” Afterwards I decided enough is enough, I’m done with this overweight life. No more talk, it’s time to get it together, John. So like some Beverly Hills mom on a fancy, trendy new diet, I went out and only got two bagels for breakfast. Keep your applause to yourself, I’m no superhero, I put my pants on one leg at a time, while struggling to breathe because my fat gut is in the way, just like everyone else.

But when I tweeted my new lean breakfast recipe, I was chastised by countless dummies for not eating at Dunkin Donuts. What in the world is wrong with you people? Do you eat at Dunkin because of some strange Massachusetts loyalty? You know you’re not obliged to like their food just because Gronk and Papi made a rap about it, right? It is is TRASH. The bagels are a goddamn insult to the entire Jewish faith, the bacon is tiny and cooked in a microwave, the sausage is legitimately rubber, and I don’t know what the hell the eggs are. It’s incredible to me that they even stay in business, as I’ve never had worse fast food in my life. Close your eyes… now think of the most disgusting meal imaginable… guess what, Dunkins is grosser.

There’s a reason they come out with new meals like every week, it’s great marketing. They trick you into thinking Well ok, maybe they actually made something edible this time then when everyone realizes it’s garbage they make a new one. Nowadays they’re not even making real foods, they’re just ad libbing words together and people are buying it. They just came out with the “chicken apple sausage” and fuck you if you think that’s something that should exist.

So stop eating there. Stop pretending it’s good. If you want to “run on Dunkin” and drink the coffee, fine, but don’t act like the food is anything less than a Fisher Price kitchen served in a brown bag. You can say that and not get exiled from New England, I swear.