Kmarko Breaks Down The 2016 Oscars
…
It’s every movie fan’s favorite time of year – Kmarko breaks down the Oscars. The actual Oscars kind of sucks – it’s always super long, super boring, and they always get it completely wrong. So I take it upon myself to give you the REAL winners from the year in movies: not predictions, not who I think is going to win, not who you should run out and place bets on. Just the flat out truth. Do I look like I give a fuck what the Academy thinks? I only care about what person thinks: me.
Let’s hit the main categories, then move on to ones I completely made up.
Runner Up: Sylvester Stallone. Did a shockingly good job in Creed. Or maybe just shocking to me since I’ve never really considered him a good actor, just a total badass who has been in some of the sweetest movies of all time. But I thought he nailed the role here. Tough call between him and Ruffalo, but there were so many awesome actors in Spotlight it’s tough to single out just one.
Second Runner Up: Walter Goggins in Hateful Eight. That’s my write-in vote. Boyd Crowder FTW.
And the Oscar goes to…
TOM HARDY in The Revenant
No brainer right here. A lot of reviews you read will say he was even better than Leo. Personally I don’t agree, but he was awesome and played the role to absolute perfection. How you can even mumble like that and still make perfect sense is beyond me.
Runner Up: Rachel McAdams in Spotlight
Like I said, the cast in this one was amazing, and McAdams was great. I thought Kate Winslet was good but she kept messing up her accent. And no I didn’t see the Danish Girl so if you think that Vikander girl was better than McAdams I can’t really argue with you (no way she was as good as she was in Ex Machina though).
And the Oscar goes to…
JENNIFER JASON LEIGH in The Hateful Eight
Probably like my 12th favorite character in the movie, but since nobody else got nominated, giving her the honors. Feel like Hateful Eight got some tough reviews – maybe a lot to do with how bad Tarantino fucked himself over personally in the time before the release. Putting all that stuff aside though, I actually loved the movie. Not as good as Inglorious, but maybe tied with Django. And Jason Leigh was annoying, but very very good.
Runner Up: Jennifer Lawrence in Joy. This movie kind of stunk – like a lot. But that was more the script and the overall direction of it – wasn’t for me. JLaw was great as always though. Maybe not Hunger Games great, but great.
And the Oscar goes to…
BRIE LARSON in Room
Very cool movie that may have flown under your radar, about a mom and her son held captive in a shed for years and years. I guess it’s kind of “chick-y,” but it’s really good, and Brie Larson does a phenomenal job.
6) Eddie Redmayne. I’m sure he does a spectacular job. I’m also sure he’ll probably win and screw Leo over. So you get last place.
5) Bryan Cranston. I don’t know if I’d recommend Trumbo, but Cranston can do no wrong.
4) Michael Fassbender. Steve Jobs was one of my favorite movies of the year and Fassbender was perfect. That may also be because I’m a nerd and I loved the book it was based on. It’s definitely not for everyone.
3) Matt Damon. The Martian was really, really good. Loses points by everyone insanely referring to it as a comedy.
2) Michael B. Jordan. Did he seriously not get any nominations? Fuck you.
And the Oscar goes to…
LEO, LEO, A THOUSAND TIMES LEO
I’ll admit, I would have picked Leo even if I didn’t see the damn movie just because I love him so much. But I did see The Revenant, opening day as a matter of fact, no big deal. And he was even better than advertised. Yeah he did all the crazy stuff you’ve heard about like eat raw bison meat and get hypothermia and sleep inside dead bears and shit. But he also killed the actual acting, and to be able to carry a movie like this in pretty damn impressive.
GET TO THE BOAT!
9) Brooklyn. I didn’t see this because it’s for girls.
8) Bridge of Spies. I’ll be totally honest – I thought this movie stunk. I just did not enjoy it AT ALL. And that’s very strange because I was really excited for it, went to see it by myself (cool guy alert) the week it came out, and Tom Hanks is one of my favorite people alive. For me to walk out of it not actually liking it is bizarre. Even weirder is the crazy high Rotten Tomatoes score and all the award nominations. I don’t know – just don’t get it. Way too slow and old-timey for me – like a movie your grandpa would love.
7) Room. Discussed above.
6) Mad Max. I’m not a huge action movie guy – I don’t get psyched up about car chases and stunts and shit. But even I thought this movie was awesome. If you didn’t see it on the biggest screen possible you’re missing out.
5) The Big Short. #5 on this list, but #1 on Big Cat’s guest entry list: “Best Movie That The Book Was Better.”
4) The Martian. Really fucking good. Hard to make a unique space movie that hasn’t been done before but they nailed it. Again, not a comedy.
3) CREED. Hey Academy – fuck you bro. Do I think Creed was the best made film of the year and deserving of taking the Oscar home for Best Picture at the end of the day? Probably not. But the fact you didn’t even nominate it, or Michael B Jordan for best actor, made me so mad that this is my official rebellion. Creed was AWESOME. It was the perfect amount of corny without being over the top, the fight scenes were ridiculously good, the acting was incredible, the relationships were believable. I really liked it ok.
2) Spotlight.
And the Oscar goes to…
THE REVENANT
This was a tough call between Revenant and Spotlight, but I felt like after going with Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor, I kind of had to stick to my guns. I thought the movie was a good solid A: after having it built up so high in my head going in, it was unavoidable to be a little let down – little too slow in some parts, a little too much supernatural mystical visions and shit for my liking. But the performances were so A+++ that it carried the whole thing and made it all worth it. Spotlight was amazing and I wouldn’t argue if you really pushed for it to be #1, but these are the Kmarko Oscars not the “you” Oscars. So Revenant it is.
BONUS:
Best Scene
5) Straight Outta Compton – Fuck the Police
4) Mission Impossible – Plane Scene
3) The Revenant – Bear Attack
That’s the one everyone talks about. But I think I actually liked the two Indian attack scenes better.
Escape the Arikara:
And the opening scene, which I couldn’t find on YouTube.
2) Sicario – Border Crossing
1) Creed – Training Montage with Meek Mill
Any time I need to get fired the fuck up I rewatch this. Holy shit, I wanted to jump out of my chair in the theater and fight someone when this happened. But like a well-meaning, happy fight.
Best Movie Not Nominated:
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON
If you didn’t like Straight Outta Compton it’s because you’re so racist you probably still wish you could own slaves.
Best Movie Your Girlfriend Made You See
TRAINWRECK
If you didn’t like Trainwreck it’s because you’re so misogynist you probably think women should be slaves.
Best Movie About Drugs:
SICARIO
If you didn’t like Sicario it’s because you’re a Mexican police officer or drug lord.
No but seriously, this movie was so badass. See it.
Best Melissa McCarthy Movie:
SPY
So good.
Best Sneaky Movie You Probably Watched On Demand And Loved:
EX MACHINA
Awesome movie that made you seriously debate in your heart if it was acceptable to masturbate to robots.
Best Sequel
PITCH PERFECT 2
I guess this could have been Best Movie Your Girlfriend Made You See for a lot of you. Me, I saw this one willingly.
Das Sound Machine got so robbed.
Best Movie for Nerds:
STAR WARS
I didn’t see but I didn’t want to get yelled at.
…
I forget anything? Let me know. Yes I saw an incredible amount of movies this year.