Tom Brady Plays Catch Like An Insane Person Because Tom Brady Is An Insane Person

(The Wall) — Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, intimidates defenses. He intimidates opposing coaches. And he can intimidate teammates and friends with just one simple question: “Wanna have a catch?”

Having a “catch” is typically one of the simpler transactions in sports. It’s so easy it’s performed by tailgaters in parking lots and kids on kindergarten playgrounds. You throw the ball, the other person catches it and throws it back. This is how most people in Brady’s inner circle assumed their games of catch would go. They were wrong.

“I’d never seen anything like it in my life,” former Patriots receiver Donte Stallworth said. “And I’ve seen nothing like it since.”

Brandon LaFell was only two weeks into his first offseason workout period with the Patriots last summer when Brady approached him and asked: “Catch with me a few times?” LaFell jumped at the opportunity and readied himself for a simple game of catch with his new quarterback.

“We’re five yards apart, in the locker room, so I’m thinking this will be some soft-touch stuff,” LaFell said. “Then he starts doing his footwork, flicking his hips, just zipping the ball, all in the locker room.”

LaFell was stunned. “I’m just looking around saying: ‘Why didn’t anyone warn me about this?’” he said, adding that he wasn’t wearing gloves to soften the speed of Brady’s fastballs. “That’s when I knew this was a whole different approach.”

Nearly everyone who has played catch with Brady has a story. Last summer, Brady called Tony Gonzalez, a 14-time Pro Bowl tight end, out of nowhere “to have a catch.”

Gonzalez, like most people, assumed it would be a straightforward workout. When he arrived on a college campus in California, Brady was there with “a slew of people” including his throwing coach, former major league pitcher Tom House, nutritionists and “all of the things that make the Brady machine,” said Gonzalez, who is now an analyst with CBS Sports. House declined to comment.

Brady proceeded to deliver his signature pinpoint passes to Gonzalez. But in between throws, Brady grew more and more frustrated if his pass missed its target by even an inch.

After one pass hit Gonzalez squarely in the chest, Brady chided himself for not getting the ball a little further in front of his target. Gonzalez was confused—the pass was perfect. But Brady explained that if the ball had been a foot and a half in front of the receiver’s body, it would mean an extra three yards gained after the catch. (To be clear, this was in the dead of summer, with no defenders around and months before any meaningful games.)

“I joked ‘Tom, if you’d seen some of the quarterbacks I played with, you’d know I’m just glad you got it to me,’” Gonzalez said. “I was blown away.”

Stallworth, who played on the 2007 Patriots team that went 16-0 during the regular season, said he’s never seen anyone as prepared as Brady. During one of Stallworth’s first offseason workouts with the team, Brady threw a perfect pass, one that the receiver simply had to cradle to catch. Stallworth dropped it. Disappointed, he ran back towards Brady, who profusely apologized.

“He was pissed off at himself, he figured out he was an inch or two off” said Stallworth. “That’s when I realized: ‘Wow, this dude is crazy.’”

This is almost a daily event right now, a story about how Tom Brady is a crazy person. And guess what? I’m not even a little bit sick of it. I want to know every single thing Tom Brady does. I want a peek behind the curtain and I want to know every personality trait. Does he drink coffee? Does he eat nightshades? What are his thoughts on Himalayan pink salt? How hard does he throw a football at you when you’re just having a catch? How many times does he shake his dick after a piss? Tell me everything. I don’t care how crazy it is, I just want to know. Would I hate playing catch with Tom? You’re goddamn right I would. There’s nothing worse than the friend who tries to show off and whips the ball as hard as he can when you’re 5 beers deep and 10 feet from each other at the beach. But that’s what makes Tom Brady Tom Brady. He’s a lunatic who only considers it a successful game of catch if he shatters one of your intermediate phalanges. Not your proximal phalanges, he wasn’t aiming for those, your intermediate phalanges. Aim small, miss small because Tom Brady is The Patriot.