Introducing The Momtract, The Legally Binding Mom Contract You Make With Your Mother

(Source) For Mother’s Day, Mother New York has created the Momtract, an online service that creates a legally binding contract for “sons and daughters to contractually forsake control over one part of their lives.” They warn, “If you don’t meet the terms of the agreement, she can sue you.” The contract is legally binding for one year and “should there be a default on the contract, penalties include fines of up to $20,000 and a maximum number of 12 non-holiday visits from your wronged mother.” You can create your own at the The Momtract.com website.

You can enter personalized promises or select from a carefully curated array of mom grievances (“Eat Better,” “Stop Having Your Secretary Lie to Me,” “Acknowledge My Existence” amongst others). Think of all those things mom asks you to do out of genuine concern. The ones you usually ignore. With Momtract you’re legally obligated to listen.

How big of a pussy do you have to be to engage in a Momtact? Can you even imagine? Sitting at the bar with your friends and one of them says, oh no, I can’t have a beer, I have a momtract that says I won’t drink anymore. Jesus Christ. I need to find someone who actually has done this Momtract thing. Pick their brain, see what type of deep seeded Oedipus complex they have going on.

The real problem with the Momtract though is that my mom would need like a million of these to successfully corral my life.  Like if I offered this to my mother she would probably just laugh directly in my face. Tough to save someone when they’re already circling the drain of life. I don’t even know where she would start? Stop boozing? Stop swearing? Stop handclawing? Stop gambling or dipping? Or how about just stop being a complete and utter failure and disgrace to my entire family aka stop being a professional web logger. I don’t know about all the Stoolies out there but this idea just doesn’t work when your mother disagrees with literally every aspect of your life. Like I’m sure some overachieving asshole filled out a Momtract saying he would “start recycling” or start “brunching with his mom more often” or some bullshit minor detail that totally tarnishes his otherwise perfect life but not for me. When you have zero redeeming qualities, a Momtract just doesn’t seem all that practical.