Not Getting The Invite To Sammy Sosa's Arabian Birthday Party In Dubai Was The Miss Of The Century

What’s the phrase the hip kids use these days? FOMO? Fear of missing out? Well this ain’t FOMO because I straight up missed out. No if ands or buts, not being at Sammy Sosa’s Arabian Birthday party was the miss of the century. Deserts, hummers, clubs, constantly changing skin tones, cool authentic Dubai clothes, I wanted it all and I got none of it. So a belated happy birthday to Sammy. My number 1 wish for the Chicago Cubs is to win a World Series, my number 2 wish is for them to repair the relationship with Sammy so we can get him out and about on the Northside doing all sorts of weird shit. Let’s make it happen. Happy 47th, let’s hope for many more but also remember you probably did a LOT of steroids in your life so you never know.

Probably saying something hilarious in broken English, damn, would have laughed so hard.