The 2024 Patriots are So Bad They Can’t Even Lose Right

I'd say I can't believe the Patriots found a way to screw up an easy, guaranteed shot at their first No. 1 overall pick since Drew Bledsoe, but that would be a lie. It's all too easy to believe. In the words of the Crosby, Stills and Nash Yacht Rock anthem, Southern Cross, "We never failed to fail. It was the easiest thing to do." That's the 2024 edition of this franchise in a nutshell. There's no task so easy they're incapable of cocking it up. Even if it's the simple task of doing what they do best, losing to a Super Bowl contender that's superior to them in every phase of the game. All they had to do was lay down and die, and they couldn't. Incredible, and yet all too credible. 

So instead of being a mortal lock for a motherlode of draft capital they could've used to restock their talent-depleted roster, they've got to hope they get lucky at No. 4. And put their faith in Eliot Wolf again. Or whoever will be filling the proverbial Bill Parcells grocery cart. 

Why? Because Joe Milton III made his debut and started putting together scoring drives. Five in all. Because Kayshon Boutte had to choose this moment to show up and look like Ja'Marr Chase. Because Adam Vinatieri had to possess Joey Slye's body like a highly accurate kicking demon. Thanks for nothing. 

I heard someone earlier say that in terms of return on high picks - using the old Draft Value Chart Jimmy Johnson developed in the early '90s - the difference between trading No. 1 and No. 4 is roughly the equivalent of the No. 10 pick. This year it's made worse by the fact there are only two top quarterbacks. And Travis Hunter will likely go No. 3. So no one's going to be moving heaven and earth to get to No. 4. 

So good job, fellas. Good effort. This roster and this head coach get to celebrate, show the world they can win a game (against the backups of Buffalo's backups), and can walk away from this mid-air collision of a season feeling good about themselves. But in doing so, they screwed the franchise and the fan base that will be here long after they're gone. And some of them might be gone in 24 hours. That remains to be seen. 

Anyway, I'll have a Knee Jerk Reaction to this game in the morning. For now, all I have is the frustration of them suddenly figuring out how to win the ONE TIME in my life I was rooting for them to lose. 2025 is off to a hell of a nice start.