Columbus Funeral Home Says We've Been Doing Death All Wrong, Becomes First Funeral Home In Ohio To Apply For Liquor License

WSYX - 'Evergreen Funeral Cremation and Reception' is set to open next year. They applied for a liquor license and could soon be serving people during services.

Owners tell WSYX that this is a unique twist to a celebration of life, and they want to change how people view an average funeral.

The mission is to make the process of a very difficult time a little easier.

"My role in this position is to kind of be a party planner for the dead. Be more of a celebration of life than more of the multi-day traditional services, which cost a lot of money," Hunter Triplett told WSYX.

Triplett wants to shed the business's reputation of being dark and morbid by offering manageable prices and the option for mourners to raise a toast to a lost loved one with a bar.

According to the Ohio Liquor Control's website, the permit, if approved, would be for a D3 license. A D-3 liquor license in Ohio allows the sale of beer, wine, and hard liquor for consumption on-site.

"I don't want my funeral to be a bleak affair. I want it to be a celebration of my life. I want it to be a fucking rager. I want people funneling beers and doing Jager bombs in my honor. I want a DJ to play Levels backwards 10x in a row just like we do at the Delt house. Sit my corpse upright in a throne Weekend at Bernie's style and pass me the blunt. Put a mirror on my lap and make a cocaine buffet out of my dead crotch. I don't want people being sad at my funeral. I want it to be a party." - Drunk College Guy

I feel like everyone at some point in their life drunkenly declared something like that. Or at least a watered down version of it. I always thought that concept was kinda stupid. The circumstances of your death would have to line up perfectly for anybody to want to participate in a party funeral. Because if you die at a point in your life where you think it's cool to be honored in that way, then your death was probably really fucking sad. If you were killed in a drunk driving accident, or if a Las Vegas club promoter sold you a bag of molly laced with fentanyl and you died alongside a hooker in the bathroom of Discopussy, then your mom probably won't be in the mood to do shot-skis with your frat brothers. 

But if you were diagnosed with cancer at a young age and your death was drawn out over the course of a couple years. If your friends and family have had plenty of time to comes to terms with it. If you don't suddenly die, but more so "finish dying". In that scenario then maybe party funeral could work. Maybe you can unlock whatever the hell that African country from the GIF has that makes their funerals look like the most fun thing ever.

I guess if other countries do it, then maybe America has funerals all wrong. But I'm sure Evergreen Funeral Cremation and Reception isn't envisioning hosting raves for the deceased. They probably want to serve alcohol because it's good business. Anytime you have a captive audience of people who are forced to socialize with each other, especially when it's people who they haven't seen in a while. Especially when it's a situation as awkward as a standing around the lifeless body of a mutual friend. Alcohol is going to fly off the shelves. 

The concept of alcohol at a funeral or viewing inherently seems risky. Funerals bring out of a lot of emotions. It's dangerous to mix alcohol with maximum levels of grief. But realistically, anybody at a funeral/viewing who's liable to get drunk and cause an unfortunate scene would probably have brought their own flask in the first place. The only difference is now the alcohol is out in the open. And the funeral home makes money off your grief. Ironically enough, it might actually keep the drinking under control? Maybe? 

Or maybe it just gives everyone the green light to get drunk. Which simply raises the stakes of the funeral. It makes the whole situation more volatile. But that could potentially be good. Maybe people loosen up and share stories about [dead person]. Maybe somebody random who wouldn't normally speak up tells a story that nobody knew before about how [dead person] talked them off the ledge one time. It brings people to tears. By the end of the night everyone is friends. You carry the party over to the bar, and you really do have the celebration of life that [dead person] always wanted. 

Conversely, maybe aunt Carol puts down a couple bottles of wine on her own and reveals to the family that grandpa secretly bought her family their first home. Something he never did for any of his other children, even when you dad was really struggling paying off loans post-college. It starts a vicious will-related argument. You mom calls aunt Carol a cunt. Hair gets pulled. Punches are thrown. The cops show up. Assault charges are filed. Etc.

Not that all that stuff doesn't already happen at funerals all the time without an open bar. The bar just makes it a little more likely. But as far as business goes, great idea by Evergreen Funeral Cremation and Reception to scoop up a liquor license. I can't think of a situation I'm more likely to need a drink than standing in a hug line for 6 hours as people I don't care to talk to take turns showing me how sorry they are for my loss.