In Response To Francis: The Chicago Subway System Is Actually Quite Lovely And Equally Dangerous
Francis wrote an eloquent blog today about the New York City subway experience. Specifically just how much it fucking sucks for a number of reasons.
At the end, he asks if it's as bad in Chicago and I'm obliged to opine.
I'm genuinely curious about the public transportation systems in other US cities. How bad is the Chicago L, or the Boston T, the DC Metro, or the BART these days? Have you guys kept pace with us fucking degenerates in New York? It's just beyond belief. Truly beyond belief. How many more innocent liberals need to be cockslapped by a homeless guy before we send the national guard into the subway system?
1st things 1st - I haven't seen a whole lot of liberal mushroom stamping but I also don't take the blue line very often. However I know enough to know there's a corridor from Grand past Logan Square where you can absolutely expect a cockslap spike in the data.
That said I think the most appropriate way to explain Chicago's L system is with a thoughtful power ranking. But first an executive summary:
Chicago's Transit System is line specific. There's a couple of really nice, classy, lines with minimal amounts of hijinks/violent crime. And then opposite that is an environment where you and I get robbed most of the time.
That's basically how Chicago operates on all levels. Some things are great. Some things are ugly/no good/downright terrible. And historically we've done a very good job of keeping those things separated while developing a broader culture.
Your own personal experience is often dictated by your own personal understanding of best practices. And in that spirit, there may be no more applicable demonstration of Chicago's dichotomy than our own Transit System.
There are 8 lines and this is how we rank them:
8. Green: So dangerous that I don't even want to joke around about it. The only reason anyone reading this would be on the green line is because google maps told you it was a faster way to the Bulls game or brunch at Kaiser Tiger or something at the end of Randolph street. So you took the green line from the loop and you're instantly regretting it. Good. The Green line is host to 2 of Chicago's 4 most dangerous stations where you can expect somewhere around 150 violent crimes per year. Nice thing though is that assault and battery plummet to about 2% once you leave the loop area. Although robbery and theft double so keep your head on swivel and your phone in a secure pocket.
7. Pink: Another complete shithole. Most of you would use the pink line to go to Pilsen for empanadas.
6. Blue: Most likely to get jerked off on? The Blue Line. Most likely to see a couple European smokeshows wheeling gigantic suitcases? Also the Blue Line. It's a full bag of tricks here and I think the most critical takeaway is that services runs from O'Hare to the Loop. Personally I think they should have separated the Blue Line into two separate lines to distinguish western route from northwest route but that's a different blog. For now I think we should just agree that it's simply so disgusting with the worst stations and the most eclectic mix of homeless. It touches so many neighborhoods and carries so many tourists. There's definitely more disgusting lines but I think the Blue Line is the most FILTHY. Hopefully you're only taking it to avoid traffic or if it's overly convenient, like living a block from the grand/halsted station or something like that.
5. Orange: My Midway bias might show here but I think the Orange line is so much better than the Blue line when it comes to accessing an airport. To the extent that I think the Orange line is mostly just a Southwest Express train. That's how I see it with no disrespect to the fine people along Archer avenue. But you're just here to get people to Midway without traffic on the Stevenson. And to that, you do a very fine job with much less crime than most would expect. That's because people respect the Orange line and the service it provides. No surprise those are some of the best blue collar folks the city has to offer but I digress.
4. Red: The closest thing Chicago has to the NYC subway. It's underground from Fullerton to Roosevelt and that's where a lot of weird shit goes down whereas the extremely violent stuff is reserved for the beginning/ending stations at 95th and Howard. Point being you need to be smart about using the Red Line and that can make it a great experience. It's by far the fastest train in the city with the biggest name stops over a 9 mile stretch from Comiskey to Irving Park. Because of this, there's no denying the public utility offered by the Red Line.
HOWEVER. You're most likely to get stabbed over a minor disagreement on the Red Line. You're most likely to witness a live birth on the Red Line. Someone might clean your shoes at one stop and then rob you at gun point the next. There's such a wide range of emotions on the Red Line, most of which are not good and that's okay. You didn't get on the Subway to make friends any more than want a rash in your crotch.
Even so. I wouldn't mind seeing a reduction in the likelihood of traumatic events on the red line.
And while on topic, I also wouldn't mind the Red Line going back to the old cars exclusively. There's way too much ass-in-face on the newer models and most of that ass smells like old fuckin cheese.
PREMIUM CHEDDAR
3. Purple: Commuter line with all the bells and whistles. Only line to run designated times like a Metra out of Union Station. Probably the best crop of conductors because they have to do the most signal clearance around the loop. And of course, the best mix of users because it's maybe 95% of people going to/from work or school. There's so few jabronis here which is important because the purple line is kinda confusing. An abundance of unruly assholes would only make matters worse and that's not the case here at all.
Downside. Try catching a purple line heading north at Merchandise Mart after a long day in the loop. Try catching a purple line at Armitage at 8:07 on a Monday morning after a bad Bears loss. There's some moments out there where the collective spirit would rather be drowning at the bottom of the Chicago river than going to work. But that's the cost of doing business on the commuter line.
Also nice thing is when you're waiting for a Brown Line and you have to hit all the loop stops. But then you see a Purple Line hauling ass clockwise so you book it to the other side just in time to save approximately 17 minutes. That's a great fucking feeling.
2. Yellow: Kind of a cop out here with the Skokie swift but deserving nonetheless. This is just an access line that runs from some densely populated northern suburbs to the Howard station for Red/Purple lines. The reason it's so high here is you have a greater chance of getting hurt BY a Skokie swift then ON a Skokie swift, which is nice. Sure the line itself may be the most boring and inconsequential of all listed here, but the original prompt heavily weighs safety and the yellow line is by far #1 in that category.
Also very popular with Cubs fans as you can take the yellow to the red which stops outside Wrigley. And parking fucking blows so bad around there. So you have a lot of Cubs fan loyalists that only use the Skokie swift to get to Wrigley, which I think is a nice touch.
1. Brown: The Rolls Royce of public transportation. The best stops. The best people. The hottest babes and best views. Nobody in Chicago can disagree with the take that the Brown line is the best line. And nobody can disagree when I say it's not even close. Not even worth the time it would take for me to emphasize the blatantly obvious.
You're going to get your average day-to-day crime on a Brown line. Someone's going to have a purse snatched or a wallet stolen. You're going to be propositioned to buy some kind of drug or service. Or maybe just a pair of socks and an old bic lighter. Either way capitalism reigns supreme on the Brown line which is why you have the cleanest cars and the most frequent stops at the safest intersections. It's the closest thing Chicago has to a positive and reliable public experience and it's called The Brown Line.
Other benefits of the Brown Line:
- The run from Old Town to Belmont is the best stretch of bars for the 30-under crowd
- The run from Old Town to Belmont is the best stretch of nightlife for the over 30 crowd (West Loop is overrated I said it)
- Stations are always salted and shoveled
- Smokeshows everywhere Monday-Friday before 8:30am
- Significantly smaller chance of getting murdered than other CTA lines
- Significantly better than New York
So to recap, the subway system can be very bad in Chicago, but also extremely avoidable if you're not a complete moron and you leave the bums alone.
PS - Metra rankings:
1. Ogilvie
2. Rock Island
3. Union Station