Gisele is Having Her Jiu Jitsu Instructor's Baby. Good Luck With THAT, Future Kid.

I wish no ill will toward Gisele Bundchen. Sure, she Yoko Ono'ed greatest, most successful, longest-running collaboration in the history of sports. She's the Lady MacBeth who destroyed the most powerful empire of the 21st century to fulfill her own ambitions. Got jealous when her devoted husband decided he wanted to go back to his first love, football, for one more season. So she found comfort in the bed of another man. Two-timed the World's Most Desirable Man with the Jiu Jitsu instructor while claiming he was "just a friend." But that doesn't make her a bad person. 

Say what you will about Gisele - and we all have been, for a long time - no one doubts that she's a loving and devoted mother. Both to her children and to the son Brady had with Brigit Moynahan. So we can all wish her nothing but the best as she starts a new family with her "friend" the martial arts guy:

Source - Gisele Bündchen and Joaquim Valente are starting a family … because she has a bun in the oven.

                   

44-year-old Gisele is pregnant and expecting her first child with Joaquim, sources close to the model confirm to TMZ. Were told she's about 5 or 6 months along in her pregnancy.

And - Gisele Bündchen didn't want Tom Brady to find out she was pregnant with another man's baby by reading about it in the news … so she told her ex-husband she was expecting before media caught wind.

                   

Sources tell TMZ … Gisele informed Tom and their two children that she was pregnant with Joaquim Valente's child before the news broke.

So good for her. Good for the happy couple. Good for the Brady Bundchen, who are no doubt excited to have a new sibling. And of course, good for Brady, who'll be hearing from his ex a lot less once she's got a newborn to occupy every second of her free time. Plus he definitely won't have to listen to how she put her supermodeling career on hold so he could keep playing football. Because there won't be any more lingerie shoots in her future as a 45-year-old mom. 

But the one person in this dynamic I do not feel good for is that unborn baby. Sure, maybe having a mom who's an iconic fashion mogul and achieved One Word Name Fame around the globe is not the worst way to go through life. (I wouldn't know. By the time I came along my sainted mother had five kids and was built for function, not form. More like an Army Jeep, whereas Gisele is a Porsche.) And you could do a lot worse than having a self-defense professional for a dad. At least when your school invites parents in to talk to the class about their careers, yours will be way cooler than all the Claims Adjusters and Account Managers. 

But what about the rest of it? What about being in a family of kids who were fathered by a genetically perfect metahuman? How's it going feel sharing a home with older siblings who hit the DNA Powerball jackpot? It doesn't matter how handsome and successful your Jiu Jitsu dad might be. When you're eating your Fruity Pebbles across the breakfast table from the offspring of Tom farking Brady, you're the runt of that litter. Any child would be. 

The fruit of Joaquim Valente's loins is about to be born into an impossible situation. He or she is going to be the Tyriann Lannister of the family. Filch from Hogwarts, who was born of magical parents but has no magic powers of his own. One of those lesser superheroes from The Boys who gets pushed around by Homelander because they have no ability to stand up to him.

Besides, no matter how well kids have been raised, at some point they're going to revert to their nature. Which is to be cruel, selfish, savage little animals. Eventually, kids fight. It's inevitable. And by the law of the jungle, they get vicious. Especially when competing for resources. Good luck trying to get control of the TV or wanting to play a different videogame when your brother or sister gets to say, "Let's put it to a vote. If your father who won seven Super Bowls, raise your hand. Oh, just us? OK, let's try this. Whose dad led a comeback from down 28-3? Not you? Oh. I say we let anyone whose father's name was in the title of a movie where four legendary Hollywood old bags travel across the country to watch him play decide what to watch. Whoopsie! I guess that's not you, either. Take it up with your Karate Kid dad, loser." 

So thoughts and prayers to that child. He or she is going to need them. The rest of the human population of the Earth can't compete with Tom Brady. How is a kid supposed to?