I've Discovered The Best Way to Watch Shitty Football Games

Before everyone gets on my ass for roasting other shitty NFL teams, yes, I’m fully aware the Dolphins suck. They’ve served up some absolutely horrific games this season. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about tonight’s matchup between the Denver Broncos and New Orleans Saints — because this game is going to be straight-up garbage.  

I’ve already had to listen to Mintzy chirp all week about how the Saints are decimated with injuries and how they’re screwed tonight because, and I quote, "There’s no way Sean Payton loses this game — this is a revenge game for him." Oh! And Mintzy is going to be at the game which is wild considering he just got back from Nola, but I'm far from surprised the guy is a road runner. Add that to the fact that we’re stuck watching Bo Nix and Spencer Rattler pretend to be quarterbacks, and yeah, buckle up — it’s going to be a long night.  

Look, say whatever you want, but I’m not buying the hype on either of these dudes. I expect this game to put people to sleep by halftime. Which is why, instead of fighting it or complaining, I’ve found the perfect solution: Embrace the shitty football. 

And what better way to embrace a trash game than with a parlay that captures all the worst elements of it? A bad football game has three core components:  

1. Terrible quarterback play.  

2. A complete lack of points.  

3. At least one team with a solid defense.  

And guess what? Tonight’s game checks all three boxes. So how do you bet this beautiful mess of a game? Simple:  

I’m taking both quarterbacks to throw an interception, and the game to go under 37 points.  

Now here’s the best part — if the parlay loses, that means we actually got a good football game. It’s a win-win! Either the bet cashes, or we get treated to something worth watching for once.