Dumping Them Out: Legacy of GIFs
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out, Barstool Sports premier Boob GIFs blog. At this point I have 536 Boob GIF's saved on my laptop. I was recently thinking about what I'll do with them when I'm through with Barstool. Will I simply delete them off my computer and try my hardest to forget that I used to do this for a living? Of course not. I'll hold onto them for eternity. I'll keep them saved on my hard drive until I can pass them down to my oldest son one day. On his 16th birthday, after he's opened all his regular presents, I'll say I have one more very special surprise for him. I blindfold John Jr. and lead him into the foyer. I remove the blindfold and present to him a catalog of Boob GIF's so grand it would make a Chive employee fall to his knees. I imagine it will go something like this
Me: "SURPRISE!!!"
John Jr.: "What the fuck are these?"
Me: "They're Boob GIFs. Aren't they hot?"
John Jr.: "Are you serious? I wanted a Tesla Cybertruck Hoverplane that gets you to the moon in under an hour. What am I supposed to do with these?"
Me: "They're for jacking off son,"
John Jr.: "Jacking off? I have 3 ultra-realistic sex robots in my closet right now. They're indistinguishable from humans. They can take the form of any celebrity of my choosing. Why would I want these grainy, poorly proportioned pictures?"
Me: "But these grainy, poorly proportioned pictures move. And they're historic. They were on Barstool Sports."
John Jr.: "Barstool? You mean Josh Richard's failing energy drink company? Why would I care about that?"
If only it were the 1970's. If I had a 536, 2-5 second clips of busty women that played on an infinite loop I'd have a multi-million dollar business on my hands. Kid's back then would treat a single ripped out half-page of a Playboy magazine covered in mud and bird shit like the holy grail of… anything. A single ripped out half-page of a Playboy magazine covered in mud and bird shit to a 13-year old boy in the 1970's is what a PS5 is to a kid in 2024. Nowadays, still images don't even move their needles, and GIFs are on their way out the door. By the time a kid is done with his freshman year of high school, he's so far gone that it require some sort of crazy hentai step-sister scat porn just to get off. The world is changing.
I would need to find an extremely virile 90-year old man whose dick somehow still works great, yet he has no clue how to use the internet. That will be the only demographic of person to still appreciate my Boob GIFs. Someone who doesn't know how to Google Image search, "hot girl bikini gif". One of those old dudes who's kids got him a computer for Christmas and planned to teach him how to use it. But it ended up being too complicated so they all just kinda gave up. Now it sits untouched in the corner of a spare bedroom. I'd upload a single folder of Boob GIFs onto his computer. I'd wipe everything else off of it so there would be nothing to confuse him. I'd say, "Look here old-timer. All you have to do is press this power button. When the screen comes on, double-click the only icon that pops up. I'll make it take up half the screen for you. Double-click that and you'll have hot women a quarter of your age moving around your screen in a sexual way."
Teaching him to double-click might take some work. Double-clicking is a hurdle a lot of old people are never able to overcome when trying to learn computers. But I think I can get him there.
Couple of quick complaints to wrap this thing up.
Complaint #1: The bodegas in my area of Jersey City are the laziest god damn bodegas in the tri-state area. I have 3 of them within a 5 minute walk of my apartment. Not a single one of them is open past 10pm. Not that I have any experience in the world of convenience stores, but how the hell can you make money in that business without capitalizing on the drunk and high late night crowd? Additionally 2 of the 3 bodegas are closed all day on Sunday. For a bodega in a residential areas to close all day for 1 of the 2 days of the week where everyone living around them is home all day… that just seems like terrible business. If New York City is the city that never sleeps, then Jersey City is the city that sleeps with its cousin. Because their hours are re-
Complaint #2: I went to the Bronx Zoo yesterday. It's a fine zoo. It costs $38 to get in, which is about what you'd expect. But once you're in there you realize that all of the good animals are in special "exhibits" that are only available to members. I think I maybe could have gone back to the ticket office and paid for the experiences individually, but I couldn't do that on principle. It's a classic bait and switch. Very sneaky of the Bronx Zoo.