Never Go Full Richard Gere: Columbus Man Goes on Rampage, Breaks Into Multiple Stores, Found Sleeping with Hamsters Stuffed in His Pants

Columbus Dispatch - A dog collar was found in the man's left pant leg, according to the body camera footage.

Officers also asked the man about other animals and their locations.

"Please don't tell me there's gerbils anywhere else," one officer says.

"For your safety, is there a gerbil inside you," another officer asks the man.

I've been the this Roosters about 100 times. The Roosters on Nike Drive. Right off Hilliard-Rome in Hilliard, Ohio. Drank a lot of beers and ate a lot of below average food at that Roosters. I never really understood why we always had to go there. There's a lot of great food in the Columbus area. But I moved to the city later than the rest of my friends and it was already established that we go to Roosters.

I never ventured over to that Petland though. Never had the pleasure of running into Mr. Pancake. Honestly, Mr. Pancake might have swung me over to his side if he claimed he was trying to free the animals. I don't love chain pet stores who sell their dogs out of cages. Had I happened to be in that parking lot during Mr. Pancake's reign of terror, I might have wrangled up the puppies myself and taken them back to my place. But I don't think that was Mr. Pancake's angle. Considering he left them there to fend for themselves. And considering he had a bunch of rodents stuffed in his pants, I think he was on more of a, "huff a bunch of fumes and go full Richard Gere" type beat. Although I guess to be fair, he didn't go full Richard Geer. Richard Geer had the gerbil all the way up his ass. And technically the cops were wrong, they were hamsters. This man went about half-a-Gere. Maybe even just a quarter-Gere. Apologies for the misleading headline. But he still went further than most people go in a lifetime. He still might be worthy of a plaque in the Richard Gere Museum (iykyk). 

There must be something extra enticing about a Pet Store when you're high beyond belief on household chemicals (I don't actually know if that's what he was high on, be he really seems like a chemical huffing kind of guy to me). Just a whole building of animals to play with. A whole mess of different critters to put down your pants while you teeter on the brink of losing touch with reality permanently. Maybe it feels kind of awesome. Who are we to judge?

According to my friend who still lives there, this dude went on a full rampage down Hilliard-Rome. The dude was seen at 3 separate strip malls before he was found sleeping on a bench all full of rodents. Sometimes I miss Columbus. Thoughts and prayers to the Roosters on Nike Drive. Promise I'll be back someday.