Do's & Don'ts Of Moving

I've spent the last week of my life moving into a new apartment. I think most would agree that the process of moving is one of the most excruciating things a person has to go through in their life. It goes..

1. Loss of a loved one

2. Moving

3. Child birth

Unfortunately, I've have to move a lot. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy the whole, fresh start, being in a new place, or sometimes being in a brand new city part of the move. Those parts rule. But the process of packing up your shit, transporting it from your old place to your new, trying to hide the severe damage you've done to your old place from your landlord so that you at least get part of your security deposit back, getting into a vicious screaming match with your significant other that borders on domestic violence because you weren't labeling the boxes as you packed them… those parts are fucking brutal.

But as a man who both just successfully completed a move, and enjoys writing a good Do's and Don'ts list, I figured I should whip up a "Do's and Don'ts of Moving" list of my own. 

DO: HIRE MOVERS

I really could have made this whole blog about the importance of hiring movers. Hiring movers is one of the few things in life I am passionate about. Even if your bank account is down to -$500, you have a mountain of credit card & student loan debt, and have recently been fired from your job so that you have no money coming in whatsoever… paying for movers is still worth it. 

Soliciting the help of friends for a move can cause irreversible damage to a relationship. Even if they go out of their way to offer to help, I promise you they don't mean it. They might think they do in the moment, but that's only because the date is so far in the future that the reality of spending an entire Saturday in July hauling boxes up and down four flights of stairs in exchange for Papa John's and Busch Light hasn't smacked them in the face yet. Come time for the move, they will resent you for it. But more importantly, come time for them to move you're going to be on the hook for it.

DON'T: HELP YOUR HIRED MOVERS MOVE YOUR STUFF

As tempting as it might be, just pack your shit up in boxes and get out of the fucking way. The movers don't want your help. They want to see your face as little as possible. Don't sit there and thank them 100 times for their hard work. Don't supervise them as they a tight the corner with your bedroom dresser. Don't make jokes like, "Pretty good workout right?!" 

Don't even speak to them unless it's absolutely necessary. I like to use the time that the movers are hauling boxes to scrub my bathroom. That way I'm fully out of their way, but I'm still close enough to keep an eye on things and am readily available just incase they do have a question. 

Just introduce yourself. Set out some waters + a 30 rack of beer for their pleasure. And tip them at least 20% at the end. I know it's expensive. That part fucking sucks. But the way a gentleman handles a move is by throwing money at the situation until the job is complete.

DO: CALL YOUR INTERNET COMPANY PLENTY OF TIME IN ADVANCE TO HAVE YOUR INTERNET SET UP

This should be common sense, but some morons wait too long and when they call Verizon they tell them that they actually have to physically send someone out to hook up their internet and that person is not available until Monday morning so then you're stuck without internet for your first weekend and you have to go to a local bar to write your Sunday night smut blog and everyone sitting at the table behind you is watching you scroll through Boob GIFs.

DON'T: LEAVE LARGE TRASH ITEMS BY YOUR TRASH CAN

As tempting as it might be, that's super fucked up. Your broken microwave, shattered television, and old ugly barely functional recliner covered in beer stains and dog piss that nobody has sat in for years shouldn't be the garbage man's problem. To just place it next to the trash can out front isn't even legal. Instead, take them an extra 10 feet to the sidewalk and make a sign that says "FREE". Then you're totally in the clear. That way you're not just throwing your garbage away on the sidewalk for someone else to deal with. You're offering free furniture and appliances to the community. Some people enjoy fixing things.

DO: BE DRUNK FOR AS MUCH OF THE MOVE AS YOU CAN

Moving is stressful. Especially when you first start boxing things up. It's hard to know where to even begin. If you're of clear mind, you'll realize how important it is to be organized. Then you'll start caring too much about what things go in what box and all that bullshit. That takes up time. But unboxing is a problem for future you. Not to mention, as the boxing process goes on, you'll start to be overwhelmed by things you hadn't even realized needed done yet.

"MotherFUCKER… we still have all that stuff in storage too don't we???"

But if you've got 5-12 beers in you, you'll have your entire bedroom packed up into boxes within a hour. You won't even remember clearing out the storage unit. It's all about getting things out one door, and into the next. Beers will make you worry less, and encourage you to plow forward full speed ahead with zero inhibitions. The whole process is going to be a bitch, so you might as well treat yourself to a buzz.

DON'T: TELL THE TRUTH ON YOUR INVENTORY FORM AT YOUR NEW PLACE

If your new landlord gives you one of those checklists where you have to take inventory of what type of condition the place is in, you need to use that to your advantage. Unless something in the apartment is literally brand new, mark everything as "slightly worn". That gives you a lot of wiggle room. In the margins of the checklist, write extremely vague notes like, 

• Walls? Holes?
• Floors worn
• Kitchen marks
• Loose knobs
• Window tracks/screens
• Sockets could be replaced
• Ceiling damage

Things so vague that he won't be able to pinpoint them. So that he does call you out on it, and comes over to check the property, your notes will be vague enough that you can just point out some minor bullshit and he won't be able to call you out for lying.

"Yeah the floors are just a bit scratched up over here… You see how this shower knob isn't fully tight?" - things of that nature

However… there's a good chance he just takes your checklist, gives it a quick glace, and thinks to himself, "I'll check up on that later."

But then a couple years go by and he never does. Then come time for you to move… and you've ripped the knob off your shower, shot a bottle through your ceiling, and the floors have been scratched to shit by a cat you neglected to tell him about. You'll be able to point to you checklist and say, "Well we tried to tell you we had these problems."

DO: CAREFULLY INSPECT YOUR ITEMS AFTER YOUR MOVERS LEAVE

Just in case the movers were careless with any of your belongings. Maybe they cracked your grandmothers antique vase? Maybe they broke a leg on your computer desk? If that happened, you're entitled at least some sort of a refund. Even if it's just $50 bucks. A lot of companies are quick to throw a couple hundreds buck at a problem just to make them go away. Every dollar counts. Especially considering the fact that you went into crippling debt just to hire the movers in the first place, 

DON'T: BE AFRAID TO SHOW THE OWNER OF THE MOVING COMPANY PICTURES OF YOUR MOVERS DRINKING ON THE JOB

I mentioned earlier that you should leave a 30 rack of beer out for the movers. If they take you up on that, be sure to snap a couple pictures of them drinking in your apartment. If they even slightly damage any of your belongings, and you can provide evidence of them drinking on the job, then you have a full blown lawsuit on your hands. The moving company will probably just refund you the cost of your entire move. You may even be entitled to additional compensation depending on how priceless your grandmother's vase was. All of the sudden you've profited off of your move. 

But if there's one thing you take away from this… just hire movers. I'm clearly exaggerating a bit in this blog. I get not hiring movers if you're in college. But if you're in a solid financial position and you're asking friends to spend a whole day helping you move…. you're an asshole.