The Man With 'Britain's Biggest Penis' Goes on TV to Explain What a Curse it Is
No spoilers here (though I shouldn't be worried since I'm talking about a 30 year old movie), but when John Doe was going around theatrically theme murdering people in Se7en, that he saved Envy for the final scene. Because it may be the most important of the Deadly Sins. It's probably the most common, and the likely most self-destructive.
We're all guilty of looking at someone else's life and wishing it was our own. And that's often born out of a sense of feeling sorry for ourselves and our own inadequacies. But it's important to keep in mind that we never know the challenges another human being is going through. As the old saying goes, you can't judge another man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins. And there may be no better example in our times than Britain's Matt Barr. Who has a message for us all to not envy him until you've walked a mile in his gym shorts:
Source - So much for bigger being better. The UK’s most well-endowed man, Matt Barr, claims that his titanic tallywacker has caused him some big problems, including dating difficulties, sex-ploitation, and perhaps, most embarrassingly, getting booted from yoga class because people thought he was aroused.
“I’m trying to dispel some of the stigmas,” Barr, 40, declared while discussing these well-hung hardships on a recent episode of British talk show “This Morning.”
The bulging Brit reportedly boasts “Britain’s biggest penis,” which measures more than 12 inches long when erect — more than twice the global average of 5.1 inches. …
“People have learned a lot of myths from pornography,” lamented the unlucky stiff, who was “shy” about his situation growing up. “They don’t realize the implications that it would have when you’re actually living with a situation on a day-to-day basis.”
These implications — which he details in his upcoming autobiography “A Long Story: Life With One Of The World’s Largest Penises” — include broaching the subject on a date.
“It’s difficult because it’s not something you really spring on people as a surprise because it just does scare people away generally,” the phallically gifted fellow described. “Obviously [you don’t want to be] creepy and bring it up too early.” …
Not to mention that contrary to popular belief, having a behemoth manhood can paradoxically be an inconvenience in the boudoir. …
“There are people who like it for a bragging point of view,” added the Brit. …
This battle of the bulge has gotten him in trouble in non-romantic situations as well, including one mortifying instance where he was accused of getting titillated during a yoga class.
“I was wearing a very baggy shirt and shorts [but because of the] yoga positions, people just got the wrong idea,” he described, per the Daily Mail.
Schlong story short, Barr was kicked out of the class.
Let me be honest and admit I left that last part in just because the NY Post was flexing its unparalleled pun muscles, and it would be a crime to interfere with great artists at work.
That said, I get aptly-named Matt Barr isn't exactly the most sympathetic figure in the world. A man who looks like the most pathetic guy in every "Don't become your parents" commercial is subjected to a life of having random women constantly asking to ride his Boner Express. The guy dresses like he dumpster-dived the Salvation Army drop off bin in the church parking lot, but ladies want to pleasure him just so they can brag to their girlfriends about it. Someone who finds it difficult to tell broach the subject of his condition with people has zero problems when it comes to calling his autobiography "50 Shades of My Massive Dong" or whatever. And because of all of this, he had no choice but to do the one thing every male on the planet tries to do, which is get out of going to yoga. So I wouldn't blame gentleman who says Britain's Biggest Penis is deserving of nothing but the World's Tiniest Violin.
But I urge you to have more sympathy. I mean sure, there's nothing else remarkable about the man. Nothing that would get him a book deal, an interview on British TV, and that female host to be looking at him with that mix of curiosity and lust in her eyes. But that life of notoriety, easily obtained casual sex, respect and yoga-avoidance is obviously not all it's cracked up to be.
As Helen Keller once famously put it, “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” Well I cried because I'm an Irishman of average height with small hands and Size 8 shoes (you do the math) until I saw a man who had a foot long wang. More power to you, Matt Barr. I hope somehow you make it through this world with such a terrible affliction that attracts so many women you could never get otherwise.