Tom Brady Proves Beyond All Doubt He is Not of This Earth by Running a Faster 40 Than He Did 24 Years Ago

From now until the heat death of the universe, Tom Brady's performance at the 2000 NFL Combine will be the workout by which all other athletes will be judged. The physique. The grace. The sheer physicality. The way he wore the shit out of that t-shirt and shorts. And above all else, the sudden burst out of his stance and the way he seemed to increase acceleration with each stride. It was as if you combined all the Greek gods into one body. The strength of Hercules, the power of Zeus, the speed of Atlas, and the looks of Adonis. 

It seemed impossible then. Even more so as his body matured, he grew into the legend we came to know, and all the uncountable hours of his intense training regimen, diet and exercise paid off. 

But this? This is otherworldly. It's beyond human. It's metahuman. Our species is simply not capable of doing this:

To put this in perspective, the Brady who won this virtual race is more than twice the age of the Brady who lost it. In other words, he's further removed from Combine Tom than Combine Tom was from Coming Out of the Womb Tom. Name another member of the genus homo sapiens who is capable of such a feat. I'll wait. Actually, no I won't. We don't have that kind of time. 

Now, a cynic might believe that this is less of an accomplishment by a 46-year-old, and says more about what a slow, flabby, sedentary slob the 22-year-old was. Or worse, suggest that maybe this shows what an athlete can do once he's not kept in check by random visits from the NFL's elite Urine Squad. In that way all off a sudden Adam Vinatieri looks like Mr. Olympia:

And to that, I throw my scarf over my shoulder and say, "How dare you?", spin on my heels and take my leave. Good day to you, good sir. 

All this shows is the power of TB12 Fitness. Of resistance bands. Pliability. Kale shakes. Taking both ends off a banana and throwing them away before tossing the middle part into a blender. Of dehydrated algae. Vegan lasagna made without pasta. All that weirdo, pseudo science crap that the rest of us couldn't tolerate for an afternoon, much less turn it into a lifestyle. This video just proves the hypothesis he's been working on since he started that business. That everything we know about human physiology and athletic performance is wrong. And, apparently, everything we know about the aging process is wrong too. 

Now I just hope my diet of processed foods and alcohol, cigars on the weekend and occasional trips to a $10 a month chain of fitness centers keeps me alive for another 20 years. Because I want to see 66 year old Brady outrun 44 year old Brady. You'd be insane to bet against him. (Remember to wager responsibly. 1-800-GAMBLER.) And theoretically, if he keeps this up, he'll eventually run fast enough to reverse time itself and be able to go back to being a rookie, then get to live it all over again. As only he could.