Dear John: I'm Gay and Women Want to Fuck Me

I'm doing this thing where I take the best/worst Dear Abby questions from the NY Post and give better advice than Abby's fake alias bitch ass. If you're going to give advice, you could at least put your real name on it. You're such a fraud. 

I would rather field my own questions from people, as opposed to stealing them from "Abby". So if you have a question for me,. and would like some terrible, but at the same time correct advice, feel free to ask something in the comments. Or send them to my Twitter or Instagram DM's (@JohnRichTV). If people actually start sending me questions then I'll come up with a better method of submitting them.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 41-year-old gay man. Although I was raised in a conservative, religious family, I’m out of the closet and proud to be living as myself. For much of my adult life, I have attracted mostly women. I have always tried to handle these situations with as much tact as possible. However, some women won’t be let down easily.

On the occasions when I have been forced to out myself to them, I have lost female acquaintances I really enjoyed spending time with or the friendship begins to deteriorate. I have tried introducing them to straight male friends and deflecting flirtatious banter. Am I confused, or do some women genuinely believe they can change my orientation? I don’t want to give up on female friendships. Am I doing something wrong by being myself? — OUT & PROUD IN THE WEST

This is a tale as old as time. The attractive, well-kempt, clean apartmented gay who every woman with a working vagina would marry in a heartbeat if they were an option. It's a classic Catch-22. You're not the first person to be in this situation and you won't be the last. But if you want my advice, I would tell you that a hole is a hole. Times have changed. In the year 2024, you can't be discriminating as to where you stick your penis. To exclude women from your sex life entirely is severely problematic. What is a gender anyways? I don't even know that word. I've completely eliminated it from my vocabulary. I recommend you do the same. My advice to you is to get over yourself, realize that EVERY body is beautiful, and stop discriminating against members of the opposite sex unless you want me to track you down in real life, find your employer, get you fired, then use my platform to make you un-hirable for the foreseeable future. 

DEAR ABBY: Our wonderful daughter has her doctorate. She’s a hardworking professor, a job she loves. Her husband, “Phil,” has three master’s degrees and also his doctorate. In their 20 years of marriage, he has not worked a single job. He would say he is a writer, but if I am generous, he has earned perhaps $250 during their marriage. 

Phil is rude, disrespectful, stunningly immature, a bully, toxic and passive-aggressive. He drinks too much and goes to the gym three hours a day. I worked as a psychiatric social worker. My wife of 42 years, who has never said one negative thing about anybody, refers to our son-in-law as “the Grump.” Their 10-year-old son is a joy and a blessing to be with. Unlike his father, he has a work ethic and is kind and grateful. 

I fully understand we don’t control anybody else and often cannot even influence their choices. Over the years, we have spent many nights in tears over what Phil has done or said to us. We have been very generous to them during their marriage. We wish we could keep our daughter and grandson and give Phil a one-way ticket. Our daughter seems reasonably happy in the marriage, but we suspect she’s afraid to say anything for fear of being bullied. Any thoughts? — SEEING CLEARLY IN MAINE

"Phil" sounds like a real piece of shit. How can you not get a writing job with THREE master's degrees and a doctorate? The more degrees you have the greater your income is. They assured me of that when I was in high school. Phil must not be trying hard enough. Has he even tried spamming every possible version of Dave Portnoy's email address with Taylor Swift blogs until he's forced to acknowledge him? Has he even considered making a Yak Jeopardy Trivia game that gets him an invite to Barstool Idol? It sounds like he doesn't even care. It's really not that hard.

But assuming he doesn't have the chops to cut it at the Barstool Sports of the world, and if your daughter is not going to kick his broke ass to the curb, then you have to find a way to capitalize off of his asshole-ness. Consider filming him privately without his consent. Set up secret cameras around the house. If you can get physical evidence of him bullying the family, and that video goes viral on TikTok, then you open up the door to the world of GoFundMe. Do you have any idea how much people will eat up the story of Dr, Woman Professor with a cute child who's lazy gym rat dad doesn't pull his own weight? People will throw their money at her. Especially if you provide them with 30-60 seconds of entertainment via TikTok. Obviously she needs to ditch this Phil guy. But you might as well use his shittiness to make a profit in any way you can before kicking him to the curb. That's how you win.

DEAR ABBY: My husband looks at pornography. I find it disgusting and it turns me off. I feel that if he has to look at it, it means I’m not good enough or sexy enough for him. I don’t believe his excuse of “It has nothing to do with you.” When I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he becomes indignant and turns the conversation around to something he doesn’t like about me to take the focus off himself.

He doesn’t watch porn around me, but he gets pop-up ads on his phone all the time, so I assume he looks at it frequently. I have even seen notifications suggesting he belongs to a website where he can chat with women, although he says he has no idea why he gets them. I’m not stupid. I don’t know anyone else with this kind of issue. I haven’t been able to have sex with him lately knowing this is going on. I don’t have plans to leave him over this, but what can I do? — TURNED OFF IN WASHINGTON

First and foremost you need to understand that your husband's crippling porn addiction is your fault and your fault only. It's a wife's responsibility to keep her husband sexually satisfied at all times. If your husband feels the need to watch porn, that means there is something wrong with you and your body. Your husband doesn't want to get off on xnxx "big beautiful step-mom seduces step-son" videos 3 times a day. But you've left him no choice. Have you even tried eating his ass? Have you ever considered hiring a gang of hookers to reward him with a surprise six-some when he returns from work on Tuesday? Have you tried knocking him out with a 2x4, tying him up to the bed post, and waking up him by dripping hot wax on his nipples before giving him an hour long blow job? Until you've done all of that, I don't want to hear your porn complaints. Everybody wants to have a good sex life but nobody wants to put the work in. If you truly must break up with him, then by all means do it. Just know that your failed relationship is on you. 

NOTE: It's come to my attention that Dave has already done this. So I should at least acknowledge that. But I still feel like I can do this once a week and it's not that egregious. And to be fair, Dave didn't invent advice. Advice was invented by Abby.