A Former Used-Dog Salesmans Guide To Adopting A Used Dog

Ive sold alot of things in my life. Used cars, software, two very different kinds of trees, tankless water heaters, portable air conditioners, hand sanitizer outside of a group of portapotties, cheesesteaks etc. But by far the most rewarding 6 months I ever had was selling used dogs.

Some people call us adoption couselors, some people call us heros, but were not heros. Heros are people like Roger Goodell who allow you to wear cool shoes once a year on a football field as long as your personal cameraman isnt there to document it. Heros are people like Henry Kissinger who live their entire life with the body type of a diabetic Minion and create generations of disabled foreigners so that Mr Beast can cure them of their afflictions providing hours of enjoyable content. Henry Kissinger was born with the brain of a cereal killer but the body of a go-gurt, folks Im just surprised he didnt break-faster. We can all hope to live our lives in such exemplary fashion so that we go to the grave with condolences from such repsected voices as Darren Rovell and the New York Yankees. But back to dogs- I was not a hero but I did move more product across central Texas than El Chapo,  and have some tips for you if youre in the market for a low-milage pre-owned dog that is sure to keep its trade-in value.

1. Dont fall for the sob story

When I was shadowing the founder of our dog rescue organization the first thing he tried to teach me was that each dog should have a story. For example, a nice young couple walked up to our display outside of some pet store that sold new dogs, and asked for some specs on a 2008 catahoula/lab mix we had just got on the lot. My boss, lets just call him "Danny", told the couple "Oh well this dog right here got thrown off a boat into the lake." The couples hearts melted. How could someone just throw another living being into a lake like that unless they were fishing for Vicks? They went into the store, bought a leash, collar, and food- and then came out and took him home. I was touched. Then a middle-aged woman came up to inquire about a '06 rat terrier and Danny said "Oh yeah this little guy got thrown into a lake. Off a boat. The whole deal."

Now this is the time where I tell you that I did not use my bosses techniques, and that many reputable organizations dont lie about things as specific as dogs being thrown in to lakes. But I did have a method for naming my dogs that was sure to work:

"Mister Biscuits" was adopted in minutes.

The truth is, most dogs that have been surrendered to a pound or rescue organization do have an actual sad story. Some of them grow up in abusive or neglectful homes, but the vast majority of dogs available for adoption throughout the united states have much deeper emotional scars from sub-par catering food eaten on the set of HBO's "Girls." I went to work every day with the singular mission of finding them loving forever homes and also not getting knifed in the parking lot of a San Marcos Wal-Mart by a guy named Travis who was selling Pitbulls out of the back of his 2004 chevy avalanche.

Older Dogs Can Be Better

An established veteran wont make the rookie mistakes that a high-drafted puppy with all the pedigree might. Sometimes a 8-week old pup marches into your home with the entitlement of a Caleb Williams who doesnt understand who the owner is, cries when they dont get there way, or pisses all over themselves and blames it on their underdeveloped D. Dont get me started on trying to clip their nails.

A older dog brings in a established locker-room presecne with them, and while they might have some questions about their background, theyre usualy just happy to have a forever home. Think about getting a Josh Dobbs in your building. Kind of like a 8 year old red heeler who might seem to smart for alot of homes but you get him in the right environment hes great even though he doesnt know your name yet. Older dogs are great, I had a favorite dog at the rescue facility- a 5 year-old named "Skye" and I cried when she got adopted. If your dog suffers immediate weight-loss, excessive talkativeness, and their saliva is going everywhere please get them dewormed. Its working wonders for Taylor Lewan. 

I adopted a puppy (12 weeks) so I am a hypocrite- also your not allowed to call me a hypocrite because I already did- so if youre doing it that means that youre agreeing with a hypocrite which makes you one as well. Goes both ways. Irregardless I adopted a puppy because I wanted a very large dog, and I want to be able to train him not to do the stuff that could unintentionally make a large-breed dangerous towards humans down the line- things like jumping on people, nibbling on hands, and meeting Max. 

A dog is a investment, like NFTs or having a child

Ideally if you have a kid you want that child to become a online influencer as soon as possible so that you dont have to work anymore. In days of old people used to fuck alot so that they could have kids to wake up and steal eggs from their chickens or pickpocket their neighbor with the largest hat. Nowdays you want your child to be able to vlog about why Dak Prescott is overated or why the new gerber baby is white genocide by the time theyre three. Likewise with a dog its important to select the most monitizable canine possible. Who needs traits like affection, attentativeness, or intelligence when you can get a dog with a giant ass so that people can simply reply "thicccccc boi" in all the comments. A big butt is great for engagement but engagement with the wrong audience on this can be a disaster its the Kris Jenner method. Down the road you might be able to turn them into a NFL insider/tout, a shield for any controversial football opinions that you might have on thursday night football/college gameday/espn's saturday game of the week, or be the face of a sucessful coffee company. The bottom line is that you dont want the puppy thats at the water dish, you want the one thats making everyone else thirsty.

Theyre all lab mixes

Just assume its a lab-mix so you can have plausible deniablity if an apartment manager tells you they dont allow Pits. Be ready to come home with a dog and say "They named him Mr Worldwide,  hes a labrabeagle." If your landlord is Jared Kushner a good joke would be to say "Hes a Lab mix, or as Dr. Fauci calls it- 'A gain -of-function.'"

Tip your salesman

I was bringing in $5.25 an hour, but the good news is I worked at probably the only dog adoption organization in the free-world where we would get tipped out after a shift. It was usually like 12 dollars bringing my 8-hour shift earnings before tax up to about 55 bucks. One time I got accused of stealing someones donation bag (worth about 70 dollars) out of the company safe and at that point i decided I could save more dogs lives by providing them with a nice cool air conditioned home at a affordable price, and saving their owners money on their water-heating bill. 

You cant go wrong

An adopted dog can live a long healthy happy life if youre committed to being a consistantly good, patient dog owner. As for potty training please remember that negative reinforcement doesnt work- you usually run into problems because your dog ate something in the yard that you left out unattended. They can live a very long life if they are never punished for the occasional carpet bombing. Just keep them out of your Chile's.